how to tell people?

going thru that similar uncertainty of how to tell people we're gonna have another babyscrumble without... well i'm not really sure why i find it so bloody difficult except that i do. strangers or people who i know but don't feel particularly close to are fine, but friends - oh so difficult.

maybe it's because pregnancy sucks so much, and that vague anxiety about prematurity is still floating around back there somewhere, and people don't always get that - i'm worried they will just gush and ooze and ooh and aah and say how bloody wonderful it all is, when in fact, it's all totally shit.

and also there's the abject jealousy i feel when faced with anyone who breezed through their own pregnancy, or even who just managed cope and smile (when i am clearly only just coping today and am forcing smiles left, right and centre) and i am afraid that my own mean, bitter green-eyed resentment will just surface if i tell them.

and then i really know at the back of my mind that if i tell my friends they are all rather fab and supportive and make me feel much better.

but i still, for some stoopid bloody-minded reason can't quite do it...

neglecting jambeans

jambeans, poor little thing, has been a bit neglected on the blog front. bit of an outrage since it's really her blog. so here's the rumpus:

exciting news is SHE'S WALKING. She can do an entire width of the living room quite confidently. Such an amazing milestone I can't believe I haven't rushed to the keyboard before now to mention it.

and she's trying to climb up/in/out of things.
and she's doing red indian impressions.
all seriously cool stuff.

not so exciting news is she got another virus hot on the heels of the last one. no bad chest this time - relief - but 2 full days and nights of 40 degree fever with calpol/ ibuprofen rejection coming towards the end of day2 and all on a weekend when the bf is on call. now i have caught whatever lurgi she had and doubtless bf will succumb before too long. it's been demanding to say the least (= babymomma is hanging by a thread).

in usual baby-bounce-back fashion she's been on good form today. we haven't, but as if we hadn't all suffered enough, pre-molar teething has also kicked in which is really painful. so her good mood and, most importantly, her sleep have been interspersed with serious bouts of shrieking and the inevitable meds rejection.

other thing is she's terribly clingy at the moment. she's deep into separation anxiety territory. which isn't so bad apart from the fact that it's exclusively mummy she wants. quite touching at first, in that 'mummy is best' kinda way. but that sentiment very quickly evolves into weariness at having, literally, to shoulder the baby burden. 'clingy' has reached levels of ridiculousness i wouldn't have thought imaginable, like having to take over from daddy doing the bath yesterday, because it was no good having mummy sit just outside the bath, a mere 15 cm away. No, it had to be mummy IN the bath so the bub can get as close as possible. but it's times like that you remember there's no reasoning with a littlun.

we keep telling ourselves we're going to be firm and ride out the toddler tantrums when she doesn't get her cuddle NOW. but then she screams so loud and her face goes bright red and she looks imploringly into my eyes, arms outstretched, with snot and tears pouring down her cheeks and into her mouth and i just succumb and think: 'next time. next time i will be an evil-gina-ford-type cow of a mum. right now i will reassure my little girl.'

definitely preggers

scan was fine.

one healthy foetus. sleeping apparently.

huge relief - i am still definitely preggers.

first midwife's appointment was on friday just gone. all went fine. they took 5 bottles of blood and 2 urine samples. am amazed there's any fluid left in me.

still, i did decline to down the lucozade again. no way will that all stay down for 2 hours.

because of previous history, and j's premature birth, i have to see my consultant next Wed for an examination and maybe a cervical stitch.

trying desperately not to think about it.

scan today

feeling slightly nervous about the scan.

am hoping it will be fine, and that there's a healthy foetus in there.

it will help make it all real again. it's impossible to sustain the sense of excitement for more than a few weeks after we first found out, so, sickness aside, it's been business as usual for the last month or so.

Feel so sick I can barely work

vomited 4 times today already, on an empty stomach too so mainly bile.

told my boss I'm pregnant - odd decision as my scan is tomorrow, but also wasn't planning to tell him till 20 weeks, but we were discussing org charts and potential roles for me, a few of which are interesting but full time, and i just didn't have it in me to claim i could do a role only to tell another story a few weeks down the line.

he was good about it, as ever.

i just felt sick.

2 days of hell followed by 2 days of heaven

Had to take Jambeans to hospital just over a week ago. She caught a virus that went to her chest and couldn't breathe easily, and was slipping in and out of consciousness at one point. Mum was with me - we'd arranged for her to come and visit on my day off so I could have a hand - which was a real blessing, though I was a bit mean to her because Jambeans had been so difficult since the morning and I was sooo tired and emotional and finding it hard to cope that when she did turn up after a pretty long commute she had to contend with a very grumpy and snappy babymomma. But thank god she was there because it helped me make the decision to take the bub to hospital.

When we got there it wasn't too busy and they took one look at the bub and fast-tracked her right through triage. Then they gave her oxygen and a course of nebulizers over the next few hours that seemed to help enormously, plus a bit of paracetamol and ibuprofen for the temperature. Jambeans behaved enormously well, given that she was confined to a single bed for hours, but she was so poorly she didn't feel much like scrumbling around until much much later, when we were all knackered and she was perking up.

They discharged us around 11pm - we had got there at 4pm and bf had joined us straight after work - so we were all beginning to find it a bit of an ordeal.

Next day was uber tough too as we were so knackered. It was my first Friday working since going up to 4 days a week but I didn't go in and stayed home to help Bf look after the bub.

Steve and Jessica (la Gitane) were coming for dinner so we had an italian picnic (ie - no cooking involved) in the garden and it very chilled and wonderful and set the tone for two glorious days of sunshine and happy baby ahead, so we went back to Kew gardens and got totally blissed out again.

A good poo

I'm so constipated I haven't done a decent poo for weeks. Where does all the food go if it's not coming out???
And the vomiting is getting worse.

uneighbourly behaviour

had a vicious slanging match with my neighbour yesterday over parking rights in the shared driveway

(so the aside giving the background to this is that, namely, they have no parking rights. and they know it. unfortunate for them, but sad fact of life. they are tenants. they have a front garden. we are owners. instead of a front garden we have a small parking space for our car in front of our house. which is accessed by the shared driveway. and because we also have a garage at the back that can only be accessed by the driveway, the deeds clearly state that the driveway must not be obstructed AT ANY TIME. and every now and again the neighbour wants to park the car in the driveway so she can wash it and do other stuff. and she wrote us a note when we moved in asking us- which i think was a bit stiff and distant and formal why couldn't she just have come round and asked in a friendly way? - if that was ok, and we said ok but you will have to move it at any time we need access.)

admittedly, it's a very rare occurrence that the snotty diffident cow does park her car in the driveway so i have infrequent cause for complaint,

BUT...

when i come home after one helluva shite day at work and not feeling too hot to boot

and find neighbour's car in said driveway, butted right up next to where our car is parked,

thereby blocking my access to my front door, and therefore to my home, because i cannot get the pram through no matter which way i try,

and when i have to leave my anxious baby in said pram unattended on the pavement together with handbag containing money, beloved orla kiely purse, cards, keys, crackberry, mobiles and therefore entire life there too where absolutely anyone could abscond with the job lot so i can knock on the snotty cow's door to ask her, politely, if she wouldn't mind moving the car because i can't get my pram in,

and when she chooses that moment not to say, OK, i get your point and that's fair enough, but rather to debate, at some length, whether it's actually fair for her to leave her car in the driveway or not,

and then when i ask her to come and look so she can get a better feel for what the problem is that i am trying to explain to her (and also so i can get back to the bub who is very distressed at my absence) and she returns my request with a look of impertinence and disdain because "she hasn't got any shoes on" (and there's me thinking, all she has to do is walk on some clean finchley concrete paving on a bloody warm day so she's just saying that to be snotty)

and then she turns to me and says "i don't appreciate your tone" when she's the one who actually started being snotty for no good reason, whereas i am getting impatient because she's being unnecessarily selfish and i simply want to get back to my unattended baby and into my home,

and after the whole argument escalates into shouting and i try and move things forward by saying lets park the whole "who's being ruder me or you thang because we clearly don't agree but let's both stay calm and i will say again, politely, that i'm afraid i'm going to have to ask you to move your car right now because i can't get into my home and i can't leave my screaming baby unattended much longer"

and she simply doesn't have it in her to shut up and just agree to move the car,

and then when i insist a third time but much less politely now (ie not at all) because i have had enough of her obstinacy over an issue in which she has NO RIGHTS and she slams the door as i walk off in a huff and she then takes forever to reemerge with keys and shoes

and instead of getting into her car and driving she elects AGAIN to complain about access, and my rudeness, and whatever else she can think of

and when i have reached the absolute end of my tether, because home has never seemed so close yet so far,

then yes i do think i was justified in screaming, as loud as i could muster, in her face

"JUST SHUT UP, GET IN THE CAR AND MOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and no, i don't actually give a shit that i shouted or that i was being un-neighbourly, because quite frankly, she was being a right bitch.

and at the end of the day it's our f***ing driveway.

vomiting at work

quick email. quick chunder. quick phone call. whoops, haven't finished vomming. the good thing is that i'm almost certain absolutely no one notices, they're so used to me hopping up and down.