Feeling warm and fuzzy

I'm feeling that fuzzy maternal glow, for the first time properly since the birth I think. With Jasmine the emotion all came out in a flood whereas this time round it's more of a steady trickle, if that makes sense. I'm sure it's got to do with the difference between first and second time. But also because Jambeans' birth was quite traumatic and it sharpened the emotions even more.

In the first day or two after Felix was born I confess I was a bit worried that the goofy 'mommy smile' and sense of elation were somewhat missing, but they're definitely there now. I spoke to bf about it this evening and he said he understood and felt the same way, so it's all good.

Grandpa and Special Auntie Lynne - Bf's dad and his partner - are in London so they came round today to wet the baby's head. I think I overdid it yesterday and was in quite a bit of post-op agony this morning. The pain was excruciating so before they were due I was behaving like a bit of a bitch to the bf if the truth be told. He was as calm and understanding as ever which, for anyone who knows what a cow I can be when I put my mind to it, makes me realise that he is too good to be true.

Shortly after our guests arrived I excused myself to have a lie down when Jasmine had her nap. They were totally understanding so I got some much needed kip and woke up feeling like a normal, friendly human being again. We had a lovely family day. Felix and Jasmine have both been darlings. My post-op pain has subsided for the time being. And I'm feeling fuzzy.

All is good in babymomma land.

Photos!!!!

Success is...

I caved in and cried last night during the graveyard shift. Felt like a total failure - not because I didn't know how to look after the bub, but for letting the tears spring forth and not fighting them back harder. The bf got up to rescue me - because he's a darling - and compared to his calm heroism I felt soft and flabby. Yes literally, but metaphorically too. Blubbing makes me the kind of person who doesn't win us wars.

Found this Winston Churchill quote on La Gitane's Hong Kong blog entry "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with enthusiasm" and I've been trying to live up to it. She also called another blog entry It's all coming back to me. I just keep thinking how similar the titles are but how completely different the experience. Had you asked me at 4am I would have permanently swapped places with her in an instant, even if it meant having Krusty as your boyfriend ;-)

Ignorance is bliss

What happens in the first 72 hours is a feeding frenzy.

Hard enough on any babymomma, but a total endurance test after a c-section. I had no idea that was usual for a newborn as when Jambeans was born I was facing the completely different, but probably less physically demanding ordeal of expressing. And to be fair, at that time I was going home to a full night's sleep in my comfy bed while she was being cooked for a bit longer in the incubator at hospital under the watchful eye of highly trained neonatal nurses.

Would all this knowledge have changed my mind about the op? Probably not, so in retrospect, it helped that I was totally ignorant about it otherwise it would have made the decision much harder.

5 days old

Felix has been with us in the flesh for 5 days now. The dust is beginning to settle, at last, and I can't believe I haven't got round to writing more about, well, everything.


But in actual fact all I can think about right now is Teletubbies, which I have just watched for the first time with Jasmine. She's not known for being much of a TV watcher, but she was totally rapt, and all I could think was how totally wrong that programme is, but how completely right at the same time, and how a grown up should never, NEVER EVER watch it after a night of little or no sleep. Jambeans was shrieking with delight at I don't know what, but I couldn't quite tell if it was for real, or if I had accidentally taken some hallucinogenic drugs with my Rice Krispies this morning.


The really good news on the baby front is that Felix is definitely over the nightmarish first nights of round-the-clock nursing to get the milk supply going, and managed to go 3 hours between feeds quite comfortably last night. Not that that means he slept independently mind you. Our real challenge with him is that he's an absolute stickler for cuddles to sleep when he wants them, otherwise it's wah wah wah every 10 minutes.


And then Jambeans woke up at 01.30 for the usual reason - i.e. we haven't a clue. Impending cold? hunger? nightmare? insecurity coming out? We have no idea. But there she was, both grumpy and full of beans at the same time, as only she knows how. Oh yes, and ready to play.


I didn't mind so much, as it meant bf got up too and I had quite a bit of company during the graveyard shift, but it does mean we're all completely zonked this morning to say the least. And it means I can't actually boast that for the first time since Felix was born I got 3 continuous hours of sleep last night, because I feel like total shit.


Still since I was up with no prospect of any more zzzzs in sight it did mean I took Jammie down to bigfuss this morning and spent a good hour and a half of quality zonked time with her this morning. So the constant guilt pangs I've been experiencing since Felix' birth at being a part-time mum for her were temporarily quashed, we had some fun, and I got to experience the wonderful world that is Teletubbies.


So here I am - full circle and back in Teletubby land, with no sign of checking out. Even if I wanted to. Doubtless more later, once I've got my brain back.

Can't believe I'm so desperately unoriginal

So I was going to write this entry about how much Jambeans reminds me of Boo from Monsters Inc, but then a wee search for her image on Google revealed to me that just about every other mommy blogger in the universe has already had that particular thought too. I guess it just means that we all put our little girls' hair in bunches when it gets to a certain length...


Boo is very cute, but for what it's worth, I think Jambeans is way cuter.

F-beans has landed

Felix was born at 10.47am on Monday 18th February at 6lb 9oz.

All went smoothly with the op. Mum, dad and baby all very happy. And exhausted from having two under two. Not to mention the round-the-clock nursing. And I'm sore and have no tummy muscles. But other than that we're all well.

Jambeans very excited and slowly getting used to having a baby brother around. There are good bits - she's loving and caring towards him and generally gets on with it - and not-so-good bits - it upsets her terribly when he cries and I'm not sure she quite gets what that's all about or that it's not her fault - but nothing that has worried us yet.

He's very cute in a looks-like-Yoda pink and wrinkly sort of way. And he has HUGE feet. Actually, they're more like paddles than feet. In fact, I think they are paddles.

Lots more to write but this is the first moment I've had since being discharged to even post the good news and even that I'm snatching.

slightly less worried

still on the rollercoaster of being worried sick about mary & leon's radio silence in response to my texts, and still too afraid of looking like i'm hassling to text again, so when ely and her scrumbles came around today for a visit i got her to text them to see how it was all going and got an "all ok but no news to report" text back. so that's a huge relief, but i wonder why i am being blackballed on the text front?

you've come a long way baby

Nicki babymomma and I have been chatting about birthday parties, which reminded me that I made a cake a few weeks ago. It was delivered complete with whipped cream and raspberry topping. The look I was aiming for was something akin to the cake in the Kate Nash 'Fingertips' video (the one where her selfish, alcoholic boyfriend keeps nicking the strawberries that are sitting in lovely-looking cream splodges.)

And I reckon I succeeded rather well. It was a joy to make, a joy to eat and a joy to behold. And it was surprisingly easy (all praise goddess Nigella.)


I feel like I have arrived in supermommy land and I can't wait till Jammie is old enough for us to do baking together. A great leap on from the disaster that was fairy cakes that we tried to make for Jasmine's first birthday.

worried sick again

despite feeling reassured yesterday, i am worried sick again about mary and leon because they are so past their due date and i haven't had a reply to my last two texts...

Jasmine in bunches - how cuuuute is that?

One week left

Jambeans had a mild temperature last night and came into our bed to sleep where she did the sneakiest of landgrabs, managing to oblige me to "sleep" on a knife's edge worth of bed, where my trusty wedge pillow kept falling out and i wrestled between being too tired to go get it but too uncomfortable to sleep without it, and all the while Jambeans kept inching over slowly slowly slowly for snuggling.

I mean, the bed is HUGE, and I need space for two. How on earth did I lose out?

So I slept badly last night, and awoke in a mad panic about Mary & Leon's bub - which is nearly 3 weeks overdue - and scared that something was up. But Jade texted this morning to say midwife was doing daily checks so they are being well monitored, and I felt soooo relieved it's not true.

Only 1 week left before F-Day, thank god, as the discomfort of carrying the bump is really beginning to get to me. Sometimes it's OK, but if the bub is moving, or sitting particularly low then it's really uncomfortable. Simple things like making tea, or cooking all have to be done side-on now as well (Mr. Greedy style, which is exactly how I feel) as any pressure against my tummy from the worktops just hurts. And those bloody Braxton Hicks. When will they go away? And when will I stop waddling-shuffling? I want to walk straight!

What I need is a good bit of distraction so for this last week I have friends and visits a-plenty lined up, which will help fill the days.

Latest Jazzie pics

new buggy

forgot to add our new buggy arrived - a phil-&-teds-twin-front-n-back-3-wheeler-thingy. these things are so expensive, but i guess it all balances out after you use them every day for a couple of years. and the steering is fabulous - i can turn it on a sixpence. We put it together at the weekend and a very excited and enthusiastic Jambeans insisted on sitting in it, in the living room, for pretty much the whole morning, then had the cheek to FALL ASLEEP in it when we actually went out for a wee test drive, then threw fits when we got back and parked it in the hall.

silly girl.

fit to burst

13 days to go...


I am so in countdown mode it's not true. woke up at 2am yesterday feeling so uncomfortable and tight in the tummy (but without having actual contractions) that i had to get up and have a walk around for a wee while. the feeling lasted pretty much all day so i had my first real day of doing absolutely nothing. as in nada, zip, nowt. it was all napping and feet up on the sofa, though i couldn't actually bring myself to switch on the telly and subject myself to the daytime pap.

it was an absolutely beautiful, sunny day outside, but was also awaiting a delivery of some RAM (bf's computer has died again... but that is so another story) so couldn't really leave the house just in case they came.


i was SO bored. and grumpy and crabby.


until i went to pick Princess Jambeans up and she totally cheered me up by being supercute and chatty. She is just such a gorgeous treasure angel princess.


her hives disappeared after a couple of days, so the flawless babysoft complexion is well and truly back. by all accounts she's also settling really well into the amber room at nursery, where she is a model, calm, little toddler amidst an army of rowdy boys apparently. everyone keeps commenting about what a good little eater she is - which just makes me smile in that mona lisa way and think, 'if they could see her father eat just once, this wouldn't be news.'

also discovered that my boss at work has resigned and will beleaving in a couple of weeks. good for him - i don't think our new working environment suits many of us really - but i did have to spend the day getting my head around what it means for me, perhaps, when i go back to work after maternity leave. came to the conclusion that it hasn't changed my plans at all, which is good, but it will be weird going back without many of the old crew around.

still, i'm gonna have a baby in two weeks' time so this will all be distant news after then.


feeling better today. have a haircut booked so that will help too.

VICTORY

AT LAST I HAVE BEATEN THE BOYFRIED AT TRIVIAL PURSUIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, savour the moment.