04.45 Feed baby
05.30 Back to bed. Baby is crying intermittently - not hungry cries so suspect he wants some cuddles and attention. Try very hard to ignore it and relax.
06.00 (?) Coma sleep
07.00 Try and rouse from sleep stupor but eyes will not open. Whilst still in a sleep stupor, "look after" Jasmine while bf showers. Just about manage to open eyes and read Wibbly Pig to her. Bf finishes shower, dresses and takes J downstairs to give her breakfast. Request strong hot cup of tea and promise in dead tired voice to be 'down soon.' Repeat to self "Get UP Trinity" over and over and over and over and over. Finally find enough strength to heft sorry ass out of bed.
07.30 UP. BF leaves. Make sure Jambeans finishes breakfast - note that she takes forever as her eating is interspered with various amounts of chatter and requests for stuff/ cuddles/ thrown items to be picked up etc. At last she pushes her bowl of cornflakes away. Wipe up after her.
08.00 Bub is making hungry noises. Unswaddle him and settle onto sofa to feed him. Put Tiger - Spy in the Jungle on TV for Jambeans. Pray it keeps her quiet for 20 minutes. J is appropriately transfixed (further proof that David Attenborough is God and that Sky+ is indispensible) and then starts playing with her toys with only minimal (and manageable) requests for assistance. Even manage to draw her a monkey whilst I am feeding Felix. Bub is also doing slow food - feeding him takes longer than normal, but am feeling fairly relaxed and in control.
09.30 Herd everyone upstairs. Change nappies x 2 bubs. Swaddle bub up. Brush J's teeth. Dress J whilst simultaneously reading Wibbly Pig to J again. Install her in bathroom with pack of Viz playing cards she randomly found in bf's draw. Shower in 5 mins flat. Dress in even less time. Herd everyone downstairs. Get bub swaddled and into cocoon. Administer shoes, cardigan and coat to toddler. Erect buggy. Stash snacks. Install J and bub in buggy. Bring bins back in. Set off for park.
10.00 - 11.30 Play in park. Jambeans is a bit wobbly on her feet today and falls over LOTS. Look whistfully at benches and wish I could sit down for a minute but J needs constant supervision, especially on the climbing frame. At the swings meet nice Croatian mum whose 14 month old fell headfirst off the roundabout. Offer him a biscuit to cheer him up then have my first (and only) conversation with an adult of the working day. Bub sleeps. On the way home 3 separate people say 'Good Morning' to me - realise that community spirit has not died forever, even in London.
So far so good but from this point it all goes a bit pear so from this point notes are hazy but I've had a go at trying to remember. Bub starts crying lots and I am unable to read him properly, experiencing a frustrating "is it hunger? or is it reflux?" dilemma. A bit like deciding whether to cut the blue wire or the red wire the wrong decision will lead to pain, fatigue and discomfort for all. It lasts all afternoon and I am frazzled by the end.
12.15 Make Jasmine lunch - mixed veggies with toast. I was so worried the night before about not being able to find the time to cook for her properly, that I planned it the night before, decided on the quickest meal possible and did all the prep then too. It pays off - cooking takes only 6 minutes and is done 1-handed whilst holding bub.
12.30 Feed Jambeans. Thankfully, she enjoys her lunch.
13.00 Put J down for a nap while the bub is downstairs, screaming. Resist the temptation to just throw J into her cot and oblige her to get on with it so I can go and stop the noise. Instead, I calmly go through the elaborate routine of saying night night to each and every one of the 30-odd pictures of animals and people that adorn her bedroom.
13.15 Go downstairs to stop the bub from crying. Feed him for a little while but suspect he's just doing it for comfort. He won't settle in his MB (moses basket) so I give him cuddles. He settles in my arms and I give in, knowing deep down I really need to put him down so I can relax properly.
13.30 I am clock counting by this stage. Am conscious that (a) I am now congratulating myself on passing the halfway mark without too much ado (b) though not actually having a bad day, I'm not actually having a good day either. Kid myself that I am feeling OK and do not need a nap myself.
14.15 The day catches up with me and I begin to feel sleepy. Put bub down and try and rest the eyeballs.
14.30 Jambeans wakes up. She has been asleep for 90 minutes, and that's the time it has taken me to settle bub number 2 and unwind myself. Now I realise again how exhausted I am, but have to go back on duty. I feel like poo.
Then the afternoon is a total blur. The bub, I suspect, is on his 6-week growth spurt and I feed him lots at short intervals. He doesn't settle properly at each feed, nursing for no more than 5 minutes at a go, and I am unable to tell whether he's not actually that hungry, whether he has got reflux, or whether there's not enough milk and it's stressful and lonely-making. In the interim I try to give Jasmine the attention she is demanding, particularly hard when she asks for "cuggles" when I am feeding the bub.
I keep harking back to Thursdays before Felix was born and before I got pregnant - I used to love my day off with J. When I got up the duff they turned into an ordeal because I was either sick or knackered or both all the time. I feel quite negative that they will continue to be an ordeal but I muddle on through and try and remind myself that the day is not going badly and it won't always be like this.
Just after 5 o'clock - I feel ike I have been on alert all afternoon. Nothing bad has happened, or has "gone wrong" but I am tired and wired and haven't felt relaxed or happy. Then J starts playing quietly on her own for half an hour and for the first time in hours I feel I can breathe. The day has been long though and I start counting the minutes till bf comes home and I can have a hand.
Around 17.30 At some point I go from feeling OK to feeling stressed and unhappy again. Can't remember why but doubtless something to do with one or both of the children needing my attention for something or other.
18.00 Bf calls. I am feeding the bub again and just don't feel like talking to anyone so I don't answer. I know bf is calling to say he's on his way home. For some reason I start crying.
19.00 Bf comes home. I know he's had a long day but the first thing he does is ask a number of times how my day was. I am too tired and stressed to answer. I also don't really know what to say to describe how I am feeling, and know that whatever I say will make me start crying, so I mumble 'fine' and keep schtumm. I just want to be by myself for a bit, but J and F need putting to bed.
19.45 Kids are in bed. Bf starts cooking. I hoover the dining room floor where J has thrown most of her dinner. Now I want to talk and swap stories but my timing with the bf is out of synch and my silence has doubtless upset him. He alternates cooking with spending time at the PC. I get resentful that I take third place and get snappy.
Bf has also had a bad day but I am too knackered to support him. I feel resentful that he, at least, has had the benfit of going to work today, which I feel is easier than looking after kids. I am desperate to tell someone about my day and how and why it was a struggle, but feel (rightly, or wrongly I have no idea) that bf is disinterested in the detail and sees it as mundane. I know I am being selfish, but am too tired to stop feeling selfish.
19.50 Bub starts screaming with hunger again. I haven't even been able to finish hoovering the floor, and just feel mighty pissed with everything and everyone. When I go upstairs seeing the bub's cute little face helps and I give him a big cuddle but when I feed him the tears come out again.
That's as much as I remember really. I'm sure I didn't stay pissed off, and bf and I stopped snappng at each other, and I probably mumbled an apology to him at some point, but it wasn't the best of days. I'm just going to write it off as a blip, I hope, and take it from there.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment