To Queue or Kew?

When we stayed at Fowey we took the opportunity to visit the much vaunted Eden Project, along with, let me think, oh, only the whole of the rest of Cornwall and Devon. The queues started in the car, before we even got to the front gates, rendering our "20 minute drive" into a 40-minute piss take. From the car parks they bus you to the entrance gate. Come again? You have to queue for a bus? (I know, I know, the irony of The Eden Project bussing everyone in - two words spring to mind: Carbon. Footprint.) So instead we walked the path for 15 minutes to... the back of the queue leading to the entrance gate. Felix was cool. Jambeans was entertaining the masses by singing 'Horsey Horsey' quite tunelessly at the top of her voice. Unsurprisingly Babymomma and Poppa were getting antsy.

Another 15 minutes later we were farmed into the entrance hall where we were fooled by the 14 ticket desks into thinking this would be a breeze, but didn't account for the incompetent laziness of the 14 stupid Janners manning the ticket desks. Which is why, when there were only 2 people ahead of us, it took us yet another 15 minutes to get to the front of the queue. Where we were informed by the cashier that her till had broken and we would have to go to the back of another queue. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH. So boyfried harrumphed off to queue in a silent, manly strop, and I harrumphed forward with Felix with a huffy, about-to-have-a-London-style-hissy-fit scowl on my face. Which was fortunate because from my vantage point I could see that the cashier fixed her till in about 3 seconds and dully went on issuing tickets without even trying to call us back. So we barged back in and, finally, paid our £30 dues to enter...

The Eden (Queueing) Project.

We've arrived. Thirty quid poorer, totally pissed off and we've only just got inside the front door. The Eden Project had better blow us away to make up for that. So we look around, and all I can see is people. Where are the Biomes? Oh, you have to walk another 10 minutes to enter.

Stop. Sigh. Try to Think Positive.

So off we trot, and as we get closer, the throng gets thicker and thicker, till finally we're in the cafe-canteen-lunchy-type-area that acts as entranceway to the Biomes and we muscle our way forward and finally we're in the Rainforest Biome and are being herded around a one way system Ikea style and it's hot and humid and there are simply billions of people everywhere and to top it all off Felix starts whining his hungry whine so we have to turn around: we've barely been inside 5 minutes.

Around we turn, fight our way back to the cafe-canteen-lunchy-type-area, queue to find a seat (and curiously, get to witness some people queueing to see how a pasty is made), feed the bub, get lunch, have the privilege of eating it with a spoon and fork because all the knives have run out and then decide to forgo our £30 entrance and GET THE HELL OUT.

So we're trying to get the hell out, and guess what? We even have to queue to exit the goddam Eden Queueing Project.

We've been there 2 hours, spent about £50 and haven't seen a single decent plant. Thankfully, we laugh. And resolve never to go back.

By contrast, yesterday was the most perfectly sunny day so we went to Kew and it was total bliss. Our very own Eden, right here in London.