New Year
10 years ago
Monday, 9 June 2008
Crap telly
I've broken my book diet and found myself compulsively watching Runs House and reruns of My Super Sweet 16 on MTV - the TV equivalent of Pot Noodle.Thursday, 5 June 2008
Slightly concerning
I have nothing to say. It's been a long, tiring, sunny day but a happy one with family and friends around. But the result of my cheerfulness is I have nothing to say. Nada. Zip. Zero. Niente. Zilch. Hmmmm...
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
About Felix
- Born 10.47am on 18th February 2008 by elective C-section aaaahhh how nice to be organised about it all
- Hobbies: eating, sleeping, weeing, pooing, gurgling, being a cool little baby brother, looking cute
- Like his sister Jambeans, has a number of spilgy nicknames, such as Scrumble Minor and the Little BM (Boy Man) but mainly we call him The F-Beans
- Is ridiculously wiggly and giggly and smiley and tickly. Ooh doesn't he just love being tickled all over!
- Is a way calm baby. Even calmer than Jambeans if that's possible.
- Second baby, first son - hence ridiculously loved and doted on by his silly parents and spoiled rotten by his grandmas. Even Jambeans has taken to stroking and cuddling him like a puppy.
- Did I mention how cute he looks?
Monday, 2 June 2008
the healing power of friends and chocolate
----- Original Message ----
From: Nicki
To: Babymomma
Sent: Monday, 2 June, 2008 1:57:46 PM
Subject: RE: Thursday night
sorry to hear you can't make it - I was really looking forward to seeing you! Anything new to report from your end?
-----Original Message-----
From: Babymomma
To: Nicki
Sent: 02 June 2008 14:15
Subject: Re: Thursday night
no new news from my end other than i've had the shitest week from shite-land as jasmine was ill last week and...(moaning deleted)...right now felix is crying and i don't know why and he has been crying pretty much all day...(moaning deleted)...and i am DESPERATE for a nap and a wee break but...(more moaning deleted)...so i'm feeling bored and teary and pissed off but i'm sure i'll get over it. we're going to the lakes in the first week of july which will be ok i guess but i'm dreading the journey up there as...(moaning deleted). bf is off to edinburgh tomorrow for 5 days and oddly i'm looking forward to having a bit of time away from him so i guess we could both do with a chance to recharge batteries away from each other but it does mean...(moaning and whingeing deleted)...i'm not really overjoyed at that prospect either but and hang on, felix has stopped crying and i've just checked and THANK GOD he is finally asleep so i'm going to love and leave you and go sit on the sofa and demolish a packet of chocolate biscuits which i am sure will make me feel better instantly. xxxx
----- Original Message ----
From: Nicki
To: Babymomma
Sent: Monday, 2 June, 2008 2:24:17 PM
Subject: RE: Thursday night
have chocolate biscuits AND ice-cream xxxxxx
From: Nicki
To: Babymomma
Sent: Monday, 2 June, 2008 1:57:46 PM
Subject: RE: Thursday night
sorry to hear you can't make it - I was really looking forward to seeing you! Anything new to report from your end?
-----Original Message-----
From: Babymomma
To: Nicki
Sent: 02 June 2008 14:15
Subject: Re: Thursday night
no new news from my end other than i've had the shitest week from shite-land as jasmine was ill last week and...(moaning deleted)
----- Original Message ----
From: Nicki
To: Babymomma
Sent: Monday, 2 June, 2008 2:24:17 PM
Subject: RE: Thursday night
have chocolate biscuits AND ice-cream xxxxxx
Sunday, 1 June 2008
Feel like i'm vanishing
Things had been trundling along very happily then bang - total shocker of a week. Jambeans got knocked sideways by another virus, only days after getting over a previous one - so for 3 nights she was up and crying and then in our bed in the small hours whilst we dosed her up on Calpol and Calprofen and Karvol and Tixylix and so on. She's got into the habit of snuggling up as close to me as possible and land-grabs any spare bed quite impressively so yet again I find myself "sleeping" on the far edge whilst she takes up more than half of our Superking - quite impressive for a sick 2 year old. She'd normally settle down by about 3am, but the second half of the night is when I need to get up and attend to Scrumble Minor. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder 2 weeks ago and it still hasn't mended fully so the night time feedings are painful as well as exhausting. Then we sprang leaks so I've been trying to get those sorted out. It hasn't helped.
Jambeans' recovery has been slow. For the last couple of nights she's been sleeping through in her own cot but getting her to go to bed in the first place has been a real nightmare and can take a good couple of hours of Jo Frost type behaviour. It's also like the 2 scrumbles have worked out some evil plan between them to either take turns to scream all evening, or do it simultaneously at top volume when we're feeling dead and hungry and desperate.
As a result I've been a total wreck for the last 3 or 4 days - angry, snappy, resentful, just can't function at all - can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago, can't speak properly, search for the most basic words, find myself staring vacantly into space, nod off at ridiculous moments, like in the shower or when I'm walking. Each day I've felt like my thread had snapped and it couldn't get any worse and that the next day would be better only to wake up having to do the same again on less sleep. There have been tears aplenty.
But it's beginning to feel worse than just a week's blip. Something Ely said on Thursday about only just beginning to feel like herself again after 4 plus years of being a mummy (ie twice as long as me) really struck home. It made me realise something that I have been feeling for a while, which is that I seem to have vanished completely. All that's left of me is a housewife and babymomma in a lumpy body. I haven't had any me time for so long it's making me depressed and angry and resentful.
All I do these days is feed kids and clothe kids and entertain kids and stop tantrums and crying fits and change nappies and express milk and lug buggies and load dishwashers and hang clothes and wipe spills and do the shopping and put bins out then go back to the beginning and do it all again only this time with moaning and the following time with tears. AND I smell of baby sick permanently. I don't think this about going back to work either, because that just entails me giving up another part of myself to the Powers That Be at work. I just need some space alone.
If someone offered right now I'd probably sell my children for the opportunity to have a weekend off and go swimming and skiing and sailing and read books and have a massage and a manicure and a pedicure and maybe a facial too and browse for clothes and get my hair cut and watch a film and have lunch somewhere dead swanky, preferably with someone like Morrison or La Gitane, and sleep in the afternoon and read a newspaper and play 80s music really LOUD and have a boat trip and then go dancing, all without my boobs exploding or even leaking just a little bit and without having to answer to children or grandparents or boyfriends or sisters or babymomma friends or anyone.
I'm totally fed up. I don't do anything. I don't think anything. I don't have energy. I don't have time. I don't have a life. I don't exist.
Okay, so I do exist really. And I know I'm just having a BIG moan. And what I'm feeling is so not new it's embarrassing. And now I see it in print I realise I'm being quite pathetic really.
Jambeans' recovery has been slow. For the last couple of nights she's been sleeping through in her own cot but getting her to go to bed in the first place has been a real nightmare and can take a good couple of hours of Jo Frost type behaviour. It's also like the 2 scrumbles have worked out some evil plan between them to either take turns to scream all evening, or do it simultaneously at top volume when we're feeling dead and hungry and desperate.
As a result I've been a total wreck for the last 3 or 4 days - angry, snappy, resentful, just can't function at all - can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago, can't speak properly, search for the most basic words, find myself staring vacantly into space, nod off at ridiculous moments, like in the shower or when I'm walking. Each day I've felt like my thread had snapped and it couldn't get any worse and that the next day would be better only to wake up having to do the same again on less sleep. There have been tears aplenty.
But it's beginning to feel worse than just a week's blip. Something Ely said on Thursday about only just beginning to feel like herself again after 4 plus years of being a mummy (ie twice as long as me) really struck home. It made me realise something that I have been feeling for a while, which is that I seem to have vanished completely. All that's left of me is a housewife and babymomma in a lumpy body. I haven't had any me time for so long it's making me depressed and angry and resentful.
All I do these days is feed kids and clothe kids and entertain kids and stop tantrums and crying fits and change nappies and express milk and lug buggies and load dishwashers and hang clothes and wipe spills and do the shopping and put bins out then go back to the beginning and do it all again only this time with moaning and the following time with tears. AND I smell of baby sick permanently. I don't think this about going back to work either, because that just entails me giving up another part of myself to the Powers That Be at work. I just need some space alone.
If someone offered right now I'd probably sell my children for the opportunity to have a weekend off and go swimming and skiing and sailing and read books and have a massage and a manicure and a pedicure and maybe a facial too and browse for clothes and get my hair cut and watch a film and have lunch somewhere dead swanky, preferably with someone like Morrison or La Gitane, and sleep in the afternoon and read a newspaper and play 80s music really LOUD and have a boat trip and then go dancing, all without my boobs exploding or even leaking just a little bit and without having to answer to children or grandparents or boyfriends or sisters or babymomma friends or anyone.
I'm totally fed up. I don't do anything. I don't think anything. I don't have energy. I don't have time. I don't have a life. I don't exist.
Okay, so I do exist really. And I know I'm just having a BIG moan. And what I'm feeling is so not new it's embarrassing. And now I see it in print I realise I'm being quite pathetic really.
So I think I'm just gonna ignore this all and belt up.
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