too tired and hormonal to feel happy

bf has gone to west country for his grandma's funeral.

will miss him muchly but he could really do with a break. AND i get to watch gray's anatomy properly for once (rather than in 5 minutes bursts when i can squeeze it in over the weekend).

i've felt very isolated for the last couple of days. the bf is acting like i'm not preggers at all - just getting on with things, in that uber-pragmatic way of his. and he's probably also just waiting till after the results of the first scan when we can feel more confident we're in the clear. we've also both spent the last couple of days wrapped up in our own private worlds, lots of stress at work for both of us, and it's been affecting us both. so we're both pre-occupied. and we're both tired. so they're all good reasons.

but i just can't stop thinking about how i'm pregnant again. and i want to share it all with him. and feel excited together. and nervous together. and i want him to know how i feel physically. and i want to feel close to him. and i want us to exchange those special looks that say 'we've got a happy secret.' and i want him to reach over and pat my tummy like he did last time.

but there's been none of that. just distance. and isolation. and irrepressible amounts of rage (hormone induced). and body shattering fatigue.

pregnancy sucks.