...and breathe

It's been 32 days since my last period, and it hasn't been that late, since ever. So we casually pop a pregnancy kit into the supermarket trolley, shove more chocolate buttons into Jasmine and Felix' mouths and try desperately not to think of the whatifs. And so I find myself weeing on a stick again and cleaning the kitchen all laissez faire and trying not to sneaky peek at the indicator. But when I do look at the indicator...

...oooooooooohhhhh...

i'm totally not pregnant again

and that is such a relief.

fit to burst

13 days to go...


I am so in countdown mode it's not true. woke up at 2am yesterday feeling so uncomfortable and tight in the tummy (but without having actual contractions) that i had to get up and have a walk around for a wee while. the feeling lasted pretty much all day so i had my first real day of doing absolutely nothing. as in nada, zip, nowt. it was all napping and feet up on the sofa, though i couldn't actually bring myself to switch on the telly and subject myself to the daytime pap.

it was an absolutely beautiful, sunny day outside, but was also awaiting a delivery of some RAM (bf's computer has died again... but that is so another story) so couldn't really leave the house just in case they came.


i was SO bored. and grumpy and crabby.


until i went to pick Princess Jambeans up and she totally cheered me up by being supercute and chatty. She is just such a gorgeous treasure angel princess.


her hives disappeared after a couple of days, so the flawless babysoft complexion is well and truly back. by all accounts she's also settling really well into the amber room at nursery, where she is a model, calm, little toddler amidst an army of rowdy boys apparently. everyone keeps commenting about what a good little eater she is - which just makes me smile in that mona lisa way and think, 'if they could see her father eat just once, this wouldn't be news.'

also discovered that my boss at work has resigned and will beleaving in a couple of weeks. good for him - i don't think our new working environment suits many of us really - but i did have to spend the day getting my head around what it means for me, perhaps, when i go back to work after maternity leave. came to the conclusion that it hasn't changed my plans at all, which is good, but it will be weird going back without many of the old crew around.

still, i'm gonna have a baby in two weeks' time so this will all be distant news after then.


feeling better today. have a haircut booked so that will help too.

Date for the c-section and more noo shoose

34 weeks and 4 days up the duff

Ooooh. Had an appointment with the consultant yesterday who said I wasn't going to encounter any problems of a similar nature to when Jambeans was born and that I didn't need to see her again. Then we booked in a date for the c-section - 18th February - which is when Felix will be sprung. How exciting.

Took Jambeans to Crouch End for more new shoes - her second pair in a week (well, the first pair was boots really) - which she absolutely loves. Just as well cos they cost a small fortune, but secretly I am proud my daughter is developing an unbridled passion for shoes.

So that's what a Braxton Hicks is

32+5 weeks

I've decided that the aforementioned 'slow turns' are actually Braxton Hicks, which my trusty pregnancy book advises me can occur as early as the 20th week and are particularly noticeable in second pregnancies. I've been a bit paranoid today as I feel them about once an hour but I can't always tell a BH from the baby kicking. Bf says to time them and if they come regularly (but how regular is regularly?) then maybe they're not Braxtons but actual contractions. The thought is too anxiety-making to bear so I'm going to stick my head in the sand and ignore that particular thought. I don't feel like I'm in labour, so I don't reckon I am, and I'm resolved not to worry about it.

Fabulous Feet

So 32 weeks gone and STILL pregnant. It's all going tremendously well.

Our Christmas holiday has been perfect, despite my former Christmas blues. We started off by having Nick, Jessica and Sophie round for a pre-Christmas lunch featuring a fabulous Rick Stein number that, for the first time, made me look like a genuine super chef. The recipe was actually ridiculously easy - the hardest bit was poaching eggs and, true to my usual lazy form, I got the bf to do that.

Christmas Day itself was just Jambeans, boyfried, me and the bump, ie NO OTHER FAMILY, ie heaven on a stick. We loaded J up with presents - one big one and a lot of small ones - which she got to open periodically throughout the day and she spent the whole day in play heaven. Boyfried and I kick started a mammoth run of film and video watching which we've barely just finished, taking in the whole Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings series (Jasmine, for some reason, is fascinated by Gollum - I think she thinks he's a dog) as well as some more recommendable efforts like Wag the Dog and Marathon Man.

The second half of our week off has been particularly fab, most of which I attribute to my last minute pink pass (or should it be blue pass for me?) to the Sanctuary. Bf had given me a voucher for my birthday last year and I only got round to using it on the last possible day it was valid for. When I arrived I was grumpy and anxious and missing out on a visit to London Zoo (only Jasmine's second of the week) and I was still smarting at how much of my £100 voucher just went to the privilege of being able to walk through the door - £77 would you believe - but as soon as I was in and having my deluxe pedicure it all started wafting away. Having started with the crusty, crabby feet of someone "who's let themselves go a bit" I now have fabulous feet, and hands to match, and actually feel like my attractive self again (see picture - that's what I normally look like, honestly). We went round to Pedro and Lax's leaving party - the traitors are disappearing off to Oz for a year - straight after so I even had a venue to shine at.

Felix has been particularly busy this Christmas too - doubtless fuelled by all the extra holiday-season calories I've found room for. He's redoubled his disco dancing efforts and increasingly does these slow, low turns that make you feel like your centre of gravity is dropping to your feet. (Jasmine was a kickboxer - please don't ask me what the difference is. It's just definitely a different kind of kicking.) I've definitely noticed that I feel more tired and need the post lunchtime nap more than Jambeans does, and that I'm a lot more out of breath than usual, which I understand is normal, as my lungs don't have as much space as they're used to. The worst symptoms are itchy, dry, overly sensitive skin which make me very jumpy and crabby to the touch (oooh - but just read this so that seems quite normal too); and the return of the dreaded overgrown flap of gum skin behind my two front teeth which is annoying and making me lisp again.

To cap it all, Arsenal are still top of the Premiership, even though watching them play involves more stress than I am actually capable of bearing in my pregnant condition. Jambeans is turning into a good little Gunner but worryingly Felix seems to come alive when Blackburn are playing. A nice little project for us to work on when he's born methinks.

Uncharted territory

Boxing Day 07

I am 31+2 today - more pregnant than I have ever been and in uncharted territory.

I feel like a total blimp.

feeling glum in jolly season

finding it really hard to motivate myself today.
just wanna sleep all the time.
don't want to work any more.
don't want to plan christmas.
don't want christmas to happen fullstop.
don't want to be pregnant any more.
don't want another baby (sorry felix).
bah humbug.

Lots of kicking, no hiccups

Bump (aka Felix) very busy kicking these days. Particularly after food. And particularly if I eat chocolate. I tried staying away for 2 days - decrease in kicking activity was noticeable, but withdrawal symptoms kicked in. Chocolate very much back on the menu now.

No sign up of hiccups though. Jambeans had them all the time. Drove me mad.

like a rollercoaster but without the thrills

so life recently has been up down up down up down non stop, actually more yo-yo than rollercoaster, and the down bits are getting a bit boring to say the least.

2 weeks ago jambeans was really ill again, only about a week after i had to pick her up from nursery the last time. so i stayed at home two days to look after her which was sort of ok but i found it quite stressful emotionally cos the bub is all floppy-feverish one minute and we're plying her with calpol, and all grumpy-yelpy-moany the next and mum can't do anything to console her. and all the time, nagging worry worry worry at the back of my mind that she shouldn't fall this hard each time she gets ill, and it always goes to her chest and she gets all wheezy and it's oh do worrying that she's still so vulnerable in her chest, and worries about lung damage as a result of being premature or cos of adenovirus resurface, but nothing we can do while she's still so little and GP just said to ride the virus out, which we did, and she did get better after a couple of days.

then i was at home with her on thursday as usual, and had a day off to look after her on friday as the bf was in paris with auntie leon and uncle mary, watching the england rugby team get mullered by south africa, and he was away saturday too so jambeans and i were on our todd again, and when he came home on sunday was ill, probly cos he ate too much steak done bleu and tartare (and mary had andouillette which is effing impressive tho' i'm guessing she didn't know exactly what she let herself in for) so i looked after her on sunday too and scheeezus was i effing knackered and fed up at the end of it. (seriously - i have no idea how full time mums cope day in day out. give me work any day - sooooo much easier)

so come monday morning i was in a right grump at having had such a shitty week, and missing work and having to catch up yadda yadda and i went along to my cervical scan... and found out we're having a boy.

and everything went in slo mo and all i could think was "we're having a boy!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!" even while the probe-thingy was up my unmentionable and the doctor was guddling around.

It's a boy it's a boy it's a boy hurraaaaahhhhhh (we were hoping for a boy) and i was sooooooooooo excited and happy i forgot all about the shitty week and literally sobbed with happiness after the appointment all the way to the tube and some. cervix still looking fine btw - nice and long, and clamped shut, the way we like it.

so we're trundling along, then jambeans is ill again on saturday when i am home alone again as bf is off teaching at a course, but she bounces back again on sunday, so we have a short while to recover, then the bf is working like a bastud this week and is late late late home, and life all feels a bit ho hum hundrum peppered with stress and sleepiness.

still - pampering for mummy day in a few weeks time, plus week off in november.

big update

Sunday something or other September

so...last Monday I finally told everyone at work I was pregnant, and that was cool, and it actually makes it much easier to be at work and feel a bit sick or tired or down in the dumps because everyone understands. And I saw Ely on Thursday and told her too, and bf told Auntie Leon and Uncle Mary, so word is getting out and its all good, and everyone is being very nice to me.

Jambeans walking is coming on a treat - she chooses to walk rather than crawl now, and she's getting quite confident. And last weekend we bought her a pair of proper shoes (flexible soles, but still proper shoes) so I want to record for posterity that she is a 4F, and the proud owner of a pair of bright pink Start Rite 'Tots'. And we have no idea really whether that is big or not, but we're both assuming it's massive given that we both have humungous feet too.

I had to pick her up from nursery on Wednesday as her breath was short and she had a nasty temperature, and we were worried we would have to take her to hospital like we did last time, but she recovered a treat by Thursday morning and was all smiles and runny nose again. Relief.

I hit rock bottom with the sickness and feeling depressed about it on Wednesday, and was ready to just walk out and leave and never come back, but something or other has been looking favourably on me, as since last Thursday I haven't been sick at all. I've been taking the cyclizine every evening so go into a coma at about 9pm and not even an earthquake could rouse me, but it's worth it not to be sick.

I went to Ely's on Thursday and had a lovely day with the kids just scrumbling in the garden, and she fed me the first decent meal I have had for weeks on end, so I'm feeling curiously grateful to her, like somehow it was her, or that meal, or her house that rescued me from the living hell I was in, and I've also been eating grapes and oranges by the bucketload, and even managed some pineapple and it all tastes like nectar and stays down. Hurrah.

And I had a scan last Monday to measure my cervix, and according to my fab consultant it's not abnormally long, or open. I had a good squizz at the screen too and it looks nice and shut tight if you ask me, not that I really have a professional opinion, so I feel relieved about that, and my instinct is telling me that the bub (codename "Felix") has a really good chance of not being premature. And I have another scan in a weeks' time just to check nothing has changed. But the best bit was seeing the Felix, who did a somersault for me, and I felt a huge pang of excitement.

And the effing expensive souped-up wide boy Subaru Imprezza of a computer the bf bought over the internet arrived a few weeks ago, and had to be sent back because it was crap (but only after he spent 15 hours, till about 2am tinkering with it first) and it arrived again on Friday, and had to be sent back again, because it was still crap. And the bf is treating it all like a big disaster, and i tried to be sympathetic and understanding, but have to confess I simply don't understand why he is, well, mourning, about it, and can be quite inconsolable, especially when he deals with sick and often dying kids every day and can be perfectly rational about that. But he reminded me I can be melodramatic about loading the dishwasher correctly and he's always patient, so I felt bad about snapping at him and have tried to be a good girlfried since.

And we were told at work that we all have to move to Watford. Which is a bit crap but I'm up the duff so my choices are limited and I might as make the most of what I've got.

how to tell people?

going thru that similar uncertainty of how to tell people we're gonna have another babyscrumble without... well i'm not really sure why i find it so bloody difficult except that i do. strangers or people who i know but don't feel particularly close to are fine, but friends - oh so difficult.

maybe it's because pregnancy sucks so much, and that vague anxiety about prematurity is still floating around back there somewhere, and people don't always get that - i'm worried they will just gush and ooze and ooh and aah and say how bloody wonderful it all is, when in fact, it's all totally shit.

and also there's the abject jealousy i feel when faced with anyone who breezed through their own pregnancy, or even who just managed cope and smile (when i am clearly only just coping today and am forcing smiles left, right and centre) and i am afraid that my own mean, bitter green-eyed resentment will just surface if i tell them.

and then i really know at the back of my mind that if i tell my friends they are all rather fab and supportive and make me feel much better.

but i still, for some stoopid bloody-minded reason can't quite do it...

scan today

feeling slightly nervous about the scan.

am hoping it will be fine, and that there's a healthy foetus in there.

it will help make it all real again. it's impossible to sustain the sense of excitement for more than a few weeks after we first found out, so, sickness aside, it's been business as usual for the last month or so.

Feel so sick I can barely work

vomited 4 times today already, on an empty stomach too so mainly bile.

told my boss I'm pregnant - odd decision as my scan is tomorrow, but also wasn't planning to tell him till 20 weeks, but we were discussing org charts and potential roles for me, a few of which are interesting but full time, and i just didn't have it in me to claim i could do a role only to tell another story a few weeks down the line.

he was good about it, as ever.

i just felt sick.

A good poo

I'm so constipated I haven't done a decent poo for weeks. Where does all the food go if it's not coming out???
And the vomiting is getting worse.

vomiting at work

quick email. quick chunder. quick phone call. whoops, haven't finished vomming. the good thing is that i'm almost certain absolutely no one notices, they're so used to me hopping up and down.

"Morning" sickness has arrived

nausea arrived in earnest last wednesday. feel guilty about being immobilised and about leaving as much to others as possible. mainly because the sickness is nowhere as bad as last time. mainly nausea. less vomiting. and when i do vomit, mainly retching and bile (oh joy) so at least i'm digesting food.

but it still makes me feel awful.

and more tired than ever.

and like i just want to sit very very very still.

More buns / still feeling low

Looked in the book last night under the 'signs of miscarriage' section and it clearly said that "simply not feeling pregnant" was not a sign that anything was remotely wrong, so felt greatly sobered (as well as faintly embarrassed I succumbed to such niaiserie in the first place).

Feeling pregnant is back on the agenda today anyway, which helps the mental state, but meant I felt like total crap all day with a bit of completely knackered poo thrown in for good measure.

Leon called today to say that Mary was 12 weeks pregnant, yaaaaaaaay, which means for LEH Christmas (which is this weekend, obviously) four of the six of us girls will be sporting buns - me (due Feb 25th), Mary (due Jan 22nd), Hannah (due Dec 22nd) and Jade (due October sometime)

But I'm the only one who can't tell anyone :-( boo hoo boo hoo boo hoo

To EPU or not to EPU

Paranoia has begun to set in.
(Or is it me just being extremely in tune with my body?)

After Monday's burst of pregnancy symptoms, today, I feel nothing.
Nada.
Zip.

I just don't feel pregnant today.

Didn't yesterday either, when my appetite returned big time. And the nausea went. And I felt quite alert and sprightly.

And it feels the same today. Barring, of course, the sleep-deprived variety of nausea and feeling totally knackered because of yet another random sleepless night, but that feels very different to the pregnancy variety.

And then I couldn't help but remind myself that when I had a miscarriage just over two years ago it presented at 11 weeks but they said it probably occurred around 6 weeks, and today I am 7 + 1 so it got me thinking... But then it's silly and doesn't mean anything and speculating about bad things happening doesn't help anyone.

So now I am sort of worried. But not in a panicky way. Just in a vague back of mind entertaining of the idea this might not have a happy ending and wondering if we should in fact go to the EPU?

6 weeks 6 days in - feeling worse each day

tinny taste in mouth. felt first proper wave of nausea this morning - but no actual vomiting thank god. crippling fatigue still omnipresent. feel super super short-fused and angry all the time and have resorted to taking it out on all the rude and uninformed cold callers at work, particularly those with sub-human IQ levels.

told mum yesterday. she was v. excited. it was at seema's birthday party so didn't have more than a minute to ourselves to talk about it but how i wish i wish i wish she asked me how i was feeling bc quite honestly am desperate for a sympathetic ear.

why hasn't my superhero sense of smell returned? that was quite fun. but then, it is lavender season (possibly the most nauseating smell in the world) so maybe i should be careful what i wish for.

too tired and hormonal to feel happy

bf has gone to west country for his grandma's funeral.

will miss him muchly but he could really do with a break. AND i get to watch gray's anatomy properly for once (rather than in 5 minutes bursts when i can squeeze it in over the weekend).

i've felt very isolated for the last couple of days. the bf is acting like i'm not preggers at all - just getting on with things, in that uber-pragmatic way of his. and he's probably also just waiting till after the results of the first scan when we can feel more confident we're in the clear. we've also both spent the last couple of days wrapped up in our own private worlds, lots of stress at work for both of us, and it's been affecting us both. so we're both pre-occupied. and we're both tired. so they're all good reasons.

but i just can't stop thinking about how i'm pregnant again. and i want to share it all with him. and feel excited together. and nervous together. and i want him to know how i feel physically. and i want to feel close to him. and i want us to exchange those special looks that say 'we've got a happy secret.' and i want him to reach over and pat my tummy like he did last time.

but there's been none of that. just distance. and isolation. and irrepressible amounts of rage (hormone induced). and body shattering fatigue.

pregnancy sucks.