Sentimental Old Fool that I am

So, my FIRST full day sans enfants of any sort. And what do I do?

Hotfoot it down to the local spa?

Nope.

Indulge in some retail therapy?

Nope.

Kick back relax and watch some chick flicks?

Nope.

I file.

And I'm not talking fingers and toes either. No, instead of basking into my newly found freedom I launch into that unbalanced tower of paper that has amassed over months and I file it all away into various, erm, files. And it takes me two bloody hours of pure unadulterated efficiency.
And now I'm sitting here not knowing whether to worry that I really am that anal or feel satisfied that it's done and out of the way. A bit of both I guess. But whilst filing I uncovered this gem of a report that Jasmine got from nursery back in May:

"Jasmine has become so chatty about everything. She is singing and dancing all day, or laughing. She is so happy, enjoying everything we do. She is also more active and able to do more activities. Jasmine loves action songs and games in the garden."

It's such a joy to see that desperately small and vulnerable bundle of premature baby flourish into a lovely little girl.

Settling Babymomma in

After Felix' first, somewhat tearful, day at nursery the feeling that I was abandoning him started to gnaw at me terribly. The next day he looked up at me adoringly from his changing mat, babbling and giggling and cooing, and I felt an enormous wave of guilt wash over me. I just scooped him up and kissed him all over apologising for what I was about to do. I was still teary by the time we got to nursery. I spent the next few hours hiding out in the staff room and worrying. I'm know I'm not alone - lots of other mums have been through this before. Hell, even I've been through it before, so I should know better.

The basic premise is that you don't believe anyone else will look after your darling one as well as you can, or understand his cries, or respond to his needs. After all, you've only gone and devoted every waking hour of the last 7 months (plus many a sleeping one...) to your precious one and it's taken that long to really learn his language. How will they know that he likes to drink half his milk, wait for an hour, then finish it off? Who will play the standing game with him when he's upset? How will they realise when he's hungry? What happens if they just leave him crying on the floor? and so on.

So whilst I was anguishing downstairs, Felix was upstairs having a blast and after 2 hours I collected a happy, cooing baby.

There was an additional bonus. I got to spy on Jambeans playing through the staff room window, and that was totally precious.

Settling Felix In

My new job starts in 2 weeks time. Felix needs settling into nursery. Today was his first day - he stayed in the baby room for just over an hour. I was there too, but on a chair on the other side of the room and very hands off. Felix did okay, but did get overwhelmed a few times. Then he would cry his panicky cry. God I found that hard. I hear it so rarely. He's not used to so much pandemonium and when it got too much for him it took every ounce of self restraint not to go scoop him up and give him a huge mummycud.

fit to burst

13 days to go...


I am so in countdown mode it's not true. woke up at 2am yesterday feeling so uncomfortable and tight in the tummy (but without having actual contractions) that i had to get up and have a walk around for a wee while. the feeling lasted pretty much all day so i had my first real day of doing absolutely nothing. as in nada, zip, nowt. it was all napping and feet up on the sofa, though i couldn't actually bring myself to switch on the telly and subject myself to the daytime pap.

it was an absolutely beautiful, sunny day outside, but was also awaiting a delivery of some RAM (bf's computer has died again... but that is so another story) so couldn't really leave the house just in case they came.


i was SO bored. and grumpy and crabby.


until i went to pick Princess Jambeans up and she totally cheered me up by being supercute and chatty. She is just such a gorgeous treasure angel princess.


her hives disappeared after a couple of days, so the flawless babysoft complexion is well and truly back. by all accounts she's also settling really well into the amber room at nursery, where she is a model, calm, little toddler amidst an army of rowdy boys apparently. everyone keeps commenting about what a good little eater she is - which just makes me smile in that mona lisa way and think, 'if they could see her father eat just once, this wouldn't be news.'

also discovered that my boss at work has resigned and will beleaving in a couple of weeks. good for him - i don't think our new working environment suits many of us really - but i did have to spend the day getting my head around what it means for me, perhaps, when i go back to work after maternity leave. came to the conclusion that it hasn't changed my plans at all, which is good, but it will be weird going back without many of the old crew around.

still, i'm gonna have a baby in two weeks' time so this will all be distant news after then.


feeling better today. have a haircut booked so that will help too.

Jasmine is a graduate

The nursery told us that next week Jasmine will start settling into the Amber Room - ie the toddlers room as opposed to baby room where she is now. Bf and I are both brimming with that "our little baby is growing up" feeling.

Somehow it seemed fitting that they made the decision last Wednesday, cos that's the day that Jambeans went Super-toddler on us. Bf didn't have to leave for work till later so we were both looking forward to a lie in when, at 6.30am on the dot, Jambeans screamed us to attention, insisted on being taken downstairs immediately for breakfast by doing that cute arm-pointy-head-noddy thing of hers, and then spending the next hour going absolutely bonkers and charging round the living room like there was no tomorrow. In the end poor the bf had to leave for work early so he could give J a bit of a walk and hopefully calm her down and debean her a little before dropping her off and getting on the tube.

As for mama - well, she just lay like a lump in bed. It's nice to get the rest, but the lack of energy and mobility is getting quite frustrating at the same time.

First week back at work

So, Tuesday evening and my working week is already more than half over. Hahahahaha - feels good saying it like that.

Not that going back to work has been bad in any way. So far I've enjoyed myself tremendously - it feels good to get back into the adult world, catch up with a lot of friendly faces and look forward to some new projects.

My job role has changed, and I did have a few reservations about that because I loved my old job. But I'm resolved to be a radiator (as opposed to a drain) about it all, so even though I will miss managing the team (i.e. being bossy, having the status, knowing what's going on etc.) I know I certainly won't miss all the day-to-day tedium of it, or the feeling of having to firefight all the time, or having to compromise on quality or service by making tactical decisions because timing is everything in the world of retail.

Looking after long-term projects and being responsible for strategy is definitely a great place to be. It's going to free my mind up and let me get a lot more creative which is what I missed in the old role. Kirsty even told me that it hadn't been the same since I left, and that the projects weren't as interesting. It was a real compliment - I could have kissed her.

As for downers - there aren't many so far, just getting used to being super tired if Jazzie decides to start the day at 4.30am, like she did this morning!!! And also the responsibility of being a parent who works is a bit weird. Today the nursery called to say Jasmine was ill (she was, in fact, only a teensy teensy weensy bit unwell and they were making moutains out of molehills) and I was in Swindon. That felt a bit stressful and distracted me from work somewhat so I did go back half an hour early. Everyone at work was very understanding though, so I think it will be fine in the future.

Onwards and upwards

Routines are for robots

"Routines are for robots" - that's what the Baby Whisperer (aka my yoga instructor, Lynn, at the Active Birth Centre) said to us last week in yoga. I found myself nodding enthusiastically in agreement, but that's only because I was feeling smug at the fact that Jazzie was finally sleeping through and was on super good form.

This week I am wishing that Jazzie was (were?), in fact, a robot, so i could instruct her to go directly to sleep, to stay asleep, to not pass 'wake up and yelp' and to not collect a poo-check from a parent.

Over the last few nights she has been waking up and yelping lots. Last night she went down at 7pm yelped herself to sleep for 25 mins, woke up at 10.30pm for about 10 mins, again at 01.45 and yelped for 20 mins, then again at 04.00, only briefly, but enough to wake me up, then again at 04.45 when she yelped for 45 mins before I caved in a fed at her at 05.30 when she fell asleep at the breast (!!!!) which is so naughty. i was feeling too gormless and tired to notice so didn't prevent it.

I'm sure it is because Jazzie is still a snot factory. at nursery too she is sleeping quite a lot, sometimes with only 40 minute breaks between her naps, and she is not gobbling her food down with as much vigour as normal. she did her first 8-5.30pm today and coped fine though my heart breaks when i go pick her up and see that she is one of the last few left, and she is still the smallest baby there.

Jazzie's disrupted sleep pattern has been like this for a 3 or 4 nights now, and seeing in print i realise it's not so bad, but it's getting to me and i'm tired and finding it hard to relax. i really want dp to have the baby monitor on his side of the bed, but keep forgetting to ask, and also deep down wish he would offer because that's the new mum equivalent of being given flowers for no reason whatsoever.

hurty tummy want my mummy

Felt like poo for most of yesterday. Got completely drenched on way to nursery. When I got there another mummy who was dropping off her baby started pointing at Jazzie and going to the carer 'is that her? is that the new baby? is that the one you were telling me about?' I thought she was a bit bloody rude talking about my baby like that when I was there so was like 'what about her?' in a way that clearly meant 'if you've got something to say, say it to me.'

Apparently the other baby is jealous of Jazzie because she gets a lot of attention from the carer. When I was putting the buggy away her mummy 'joked' about locking me in the cupboard, i laughed but really thought stupid bloody cow.

Then another nice mummy gave me a lift home so i didn't get soaked again and my faith in humanity was restored.

I think that was my first exposure to parent politics.

Think I caught some nasty tummy buggy virus thingy cos after big fuss i just wanted to throw up. Spent all morning in bed, then struggled to Monkey Face to catch up with Caroline and Seema and their respective broods (posing here in highchairs for the first time). Had a good time, seeing the babies really made me miss Jazzie , ate some lunch, but still felt really tired and peeky. Went home, went back to bed, dp thankfully was able to pick Jazzie up and got home just 60 seconds after I violently vomited my whole lunch and remnants of breakfast into the toilet bowl.

Horrible memories of pregnancy came flooding back. I just wanted my mummy.

Jazzie slept ok - she woke up twice at and cried for 10-20 mins each time, at about 11pm and 4.30am. And then woke up in the morning at 7.30am. Not so bad really. Absolute heaven for me to get lie in, but dp had severe case of stress-on-the-brain and could not sleep at all - very unlike him - so each time he was just about to drift off, baby crying woke him up.

Today felt much better. Jazzie's been adorable all day. Went to baby yoga where she behaved impeccably. Think the class is too big now, and am getting bored of paying £3 for parking each time so think I will stop after this set of classes.

Dp came home quite knackered. Doorbell rang. Martin had came over for dinner. I completely forgot he was coming. Doh!

Who cares about the cool people anyway?

To hell with it. I'm here, and ready to blog. Anyway, i reckon it should be spelled with an 'o' anyway, like good old English diarrhoea.

So - last night - Jazzie slept through 11 and 1/2 hours, woke up at 6.30am on the dot (which is what we're aiming for), did a full day's work at nursery (9-5), was witnessed smiling, is still drinking water, came home, did a load of giggling and went to bed without fuss.

What a good baby.

And I swam 40 lengths today before pigging out at Carluccios with a very pregnant Jessica.

Note to self - remember this week - there are good phases as well as the bastard hard ones.

dp (aka boyfried) had helluva day at work and I just told him to 'go away' like a bad dog. Feeling tres guilty.

The hidden cost of nursery

A good day today.

Jazzie slept through 11 and 1/2 hours without waking or crying. She's only done that a handful of times before, and it always feels good. My body clock woke me up at 3.30am. So i've got a bit of work to do on that front.

A breakthrough at nursery. Apparently Jazzie managed a smile, and drank more than 2 teaspoons of water from a spoon and fell asleep without being rocked. She still cries quite a lot but it seems to be getting better.

Quite frankly - she could scream all day as long as she looks happy and calm when I go to pick her up, then my conscience is eased.

Wandered over to the temple to retailing that is Brent Cross. Man it was packed - and it's only a Wednesday. (what we thought but aren't allowed to say - to all the people who nicked the car spaces and tables at Carluccios: Get A Job.)

A combination of missing Jazzie, guilt and worry induced us to splurge on baby gear - new jacket, new trousers, new top, new books, new toy.

lesson du jour : Guilt buying = hidden cost of Nursery

My new babymomma blog

I've been a blogger for 1 meagre day and am already feeling ambivalent about the, well, teenage-ness of it all. I'm 33 for chrissake and haven't written a diary since i was 15 and miserable. well, it seems the self-doubt is still there so maybe this will work out.

And I'm not miserable now, just forgetful. My reasons for starting this are that here are some things about my life right now I don't want to forget. I already feel like I've started 8 1/2 months too late because that's when the beautiful Jasmine (aka Jazzie aka Jazz-fried aka Jazzoi aka princess jasmine aka chicken aka Bubblicious aka Splubble bub of bub-fried aka ad nauseam) was born and I just want to capture every moment before it disappears...

But most importantly, make notes. Because that's what I like to do. But also because we hope there's going to be a second one day and my notes will come in damn handy.

So lets hope this bloody well works, having just spurned 20six cos their image upload function doesn't work.

This is what I wrote yesterday:

"Horrendous day today.

Day 4 at nursery. Jasmine did 6 hours, pretty good going, but the lower lip was wobbling madly (hers, not mine) when I picked her up, and this evening she just would not settle down for a nap, opting instead to scream.

And scream.

And scream.

Also went back to work for a planning meeting ahead of the dreaded return. Nothing seemed to have changed - good, in that my comfort zone is still there - but we spent a couple of hours going over familiar territory - same issues, same questions with impossible answers, same personalities saying the same thing yadda yadda. All making me feel very ambivalent about my new role, and whether I will be able to make a positive difference. Especially only doing 3 days/week.

Anyway - got to put the peas on. And then come back and work out how to make this thing look pretty."

Which obviously didn't work as I defected to blogger today.