Teef

There's a whole loada stuff going on in my head these days - mainly work stuff as interviews and "chats" (networking) are picking up. It's all good getting out there, but the lesson I learned from my last job is that "it" has really got to feel right, whatever "it" is. But all "it" is making me feel right now is totally hudgy budgy with a lot of antsy thrown in too.

And amidst it all, in my inside world, I'm having an enormous crisis of confidence about myself and feeling quite crap. I keep thinking of my peers and remarking how little I achieved compared to all of them. And I find it quite hard to bear, because when I was younger I thought I was quite clever, quite cleverer in fact than a lot of other people I knew, and good at stuff. But life has been a continual realisation that being clever and good at stuff just isn't the be all and end all of success. There's a lot more to do with the kind of person you really are. And the kind of person I am right now is, erm: boring, fat, boring. And also empty. As in I am an empty vessel. I just don't know who I am any more.

This is babymomma syndrome I'm sure. As in, I'm not actually doing anything for me right now. Not swimming - too busy finding a job, not reading - too tired to keep eyes open, not dieting - too lazy and demotivated, not "enter activity here" - too "enter lame ass excuse here" etcetera, etcetera. My days are busy, but I have no sense of purpose. What am I trying to achieve? Raise my kids well. How long does that take then? About, forever. What's in it for me? Erm, not much really. Oh. OK. That makes it sooo much easier. I would literally rather tread water every day...
Fellow Whittington babymomma Seema came over yesterday. I was saving her from her mother-in-law who has been staying here since February (ugh. can you imagine?) and she was saving me from cabin fever. Anyway, I was trying to explain to her how I felt and was being incredibly inarticulate. And she just opened her mouth and said "I know how you feel. When I was younger I never imagined this would be my life either." And without saying anything specific, the look in her eye, the tone of her voice, it really summed it all up.

We shared a moment.

Anyway, I this blogpost is called Teef, because it's not about me (not supposed to be anyway). It's about Felix. He has been screaming for 2 days non stop because he is teething - premolars - and is inconsolable.

Thirsty baby

Friday Feb 23rd

Jasmine has started to lap water from the bathtub. It's kinda funny and icky in equal measure.

It reminds me of my favourite Gary Larson cartoon, where a dog presenter is standing in front of a dog audience in a Jerry Springer-type studio. On stage under dimmed lights are the silhouettes of 3 dogs sitting on stools with their heads hanging down. The dog presenter is holding a microphone and saying to the audience "And on tonight's show... dog's who drink from the toilet bowl." It doesn't quite work in narrative format, but trust me, it's brilliant.

Went to Seema's house this afternoon to meet up with her and Zayne (here in the photo on the right) and Caroline B and Rosie (in the photo further down). Had a very chilled time playing with the babies. Zayne is crawling all over the place and getting into all kinds of trouble. He's very cute to watch, but it's slightly alarming as we know we have all that hard work to come. I think our house is going to need some serious baby-proofing.

Ages ago when we were having a mutual moan about not getting out enough, I said to Seema that we should both go swimming together. She's held me to that so we have a provisional plan to go next Thursday evening. It's a good plan. All we have to do now is make sure we stick to it.

Jam-beans continues to be on good form. She's eating like a true trough monster, even veggies (so my gloom and doom prediction of a week ago turned out to be rubbish - she was just off her food at that time bc she was ill.)

We bought her the most hilarious book today about a sheep called Marvin who eats the whole world then vomits it back up again. And the Skwish from eBay finally arrived. So I've been spoiling her, again, which is pointless really because Jam-beans favourite playthings today were a spoon and a piece of cardboard.

About Seema W and Zayne

Seema is another mum I met in the neo-natal unit at the Whit. Her son, Zayne, was in a cot next to Jazzie's. Like good Indian mothers we decided to arrange their marriage immediately, and they have been boyfriend and girlfriend ever since. Here is a photo of them looking adoringly into each other's eyes at about 4 months corrected.

Zayne is a real cutie - small but perfectly formed. (Just like his mum, who is in her late 30s but looks 10 years younger, and is a size 6. You can probably tell I'm quite in awe.) He has huge, brown eyes, a shock of luxurious , curly hair and boundless energy.




Zayne has an elder brother, called Raes (pronounced Reece) who was also premature and between the two of them they keep Seema very, very, very busy. Whenever I speak to her she's always trying to keep one eye on Raes, the other on Zayne, whilst having something fixed in the house, or running to the shops, or to the dentist's, or the doctor's, or nursery, and she always seems to have some banking to do. I don't quite know how she fits it all in. (And I confess the banking thing puzzles me. How much banking can there possible be for the average babymomma? Thank God for internet banking, is what I say.)

I'm sure I'd have a breakdown if I had as much to do as Seema.

When she does make it out, Seema is a very chilled out, loving and happy mum. She's so in control (but in a good relaxed way, as opposed to the neurotic end of the spectrum I inhabit) - I guess (hope) that's the experience of having done it once before kicking in.

hurty tummy want my mummy

Felt like poo for most of yesterday. Got completely drenched on way to nursery. When I got there another mummy who was dropping off her baby started pointing at Jazzie and going to the carer 'is that her? is that the new baby? is that the one you were telling me about?' I thought she was a bit bloody rude talking about my baby like that when I was there so was like 'what about her?' in a way that clearly meant 'if you've got something to say, say it to me.'

Apparently the other baby is jealous of Jazzie because she gets a lot of attention from the carer. When I was putting the buggy away her mummy 'joked' about locking me in the cupboard, i laughed but really thought stupid bloody cow.

Then another nice mummy gave me a lift home so i didn't get soaked again and my faith in humanity was restored.

I think that was my first exposure to parent politics.

Think I caught some nasty tummy buggy virus thingy cos after big fuss i just wanted to throw up. Spent all morning in bed, then struggled to Monkey Face to catch up with Caroline and Seema and their respective broods (posing here in highchairs for the first time). Had a good time, seeing the babies really made me miss Jazzie , ate some lunch, but still felt really tired and peeky. Went home, went back to bed, dp thankfully was able to pick Jazzie up and got home just 60 seconds after I violently vomited my whole lunch and remnants of breakfast into the toilet bowl.

Horrible memories of pregnancy came flooding back. I just wanted my mummy.

Jazzie slept ok - she woke up twice at and cried for 10-20 mins each time, at about 11pm and 4.30am. And then woke up in the morning at 7.30am. Not so bad really. Absolute heaven for me to get lie in, but dp had severe case of stress-on-the-brain and could not sleep at all - very unlike him - so each time he was just about to drift off, baby crying woke him up.

Today felt much better. Jazzie's been adorable all day. Went to baby yoga where she behaved impeccably. Think the class is too big now, and am getting bored of paying £3 for parking each time so think I will stop after this set of classes.

Dp came home quite knackered. Doorbell rang. Martin had came over for dinner. I completely forgot he was coming. Doh!