big update

Sunday something or other September

so...last Monday I finally told everyone at work I was pregnant, and that was cool, and it actually makes it much easier to be at work and feel a bit sick or tired or down in the dumps because everyone understands. And I saw Ely on Thursday and told her too, and bf told Auntie Leon and Uncle Mary, so word is getting out and its all good, and everyone is being very nice to me.

Jambeans walking is coming on a treat - she chooses to walk rather than crawl now, and she's getting quite confident. And last weekend we bought her a pair of proper shoes (flexible soles, but still proper shoes) so I want to record for posterity that she is a 4F, and the proud owner of a pair of bright pink Start Rite 'Tots'. And we have no idea really whether that is big or not, but we're both assuming it's massive given that we both have humungous feet too.

I had to pick her up from nursery on Wednesday as her breath was short and she had a nasty temperature, and we were worried we would have to take her to hospital like we did last time, but she recovered a treat by Thursday morning and was all smiles and runny nose again. Relief.

I hit rock bottom with the sickness and feeling depressed about it on Wednesday, and was ready to just walk out and leave and never come back, but something or other has been looking favourably on me, as since last Thursday I haven't been sick at all. I've been taking the cyclizine every evening so go into a coma at about 9pm and not even an earthquake could rouse me, but it's worth it not to be sick.

I went to Ely's on Thursday and had a lovely day with the kids just scrumbling in the garden, and she fed me the first decent meal I have had for weeks on end, so I'm feeling curiously grateful to her, like somehow it was her, or that meal, or her house that rescued me from the living hell I was in, and I've also been eating grapes and oranges by the bucketload, and even managed some pineapple and it all tastes like nectar and stays down. Hurrah.

And I had a scan last Monday to measure my cervix, and according to my fab consultant it's not abnormally long, or open. I had a good squizz at the screen too and it looks nice and shut tight if you ask me, not that I really have a professional opinion, so I feel relieved about that, and my instinct is telling me that the bub (codename "Felix") has a really good chance of not being premature. And I have another scan in a weeks' time just to check nothing has changed. But the best bit was seeing the Felix, who did a somersault for me, and I felt a huge pang of excitement.

And the effing expensive souped-up wide boy Subaru Imprezza of a computer the bf bought over the internet arrived a few weeks ago, and had to be sent back because it was crap (but only after he spent 15 hours, till about 2am tinkering with it first) and it arrived again on Friday, and had to be sent back again, because it was still crap. And the bf is treating it all like a big disaster, and i tried to be sympathetic and understanding, but have to confess I simply don't understand why he is, well, mourning, about it, and can be quite inconsolable, especially when he deals with sick and often dying kids every day and can be perfectly rational about that. But he reminded me I can be melodramatic about loading the dishwasher correctly and he's always patient, so I felt bad about snapping at him and have tried to be a good girlfried since.

And we were told at work that we all have to move to Watford. Which is a bit crap but I'm up the duff so my choices are limited and I might as make the most of what I've got.

definitely preggers

scan was fine.

one healthy foetus. sleeping apparently.

huge relief - i am still definitely preggers.

first midwife's appointment was on friday just gone. all went fine. they took 5 bottles of blood and 2 urine samples. am amazed there's any fluid left in me.

still, i did decline to down the lucozade again. no way will that all stay down for 2 hours.

because of previous history, and j's premature birth, i have to see my consultant next Wed for an examination and maybe a cervical stitch.

trying desperately not to think about it.

scan today

feeling slightly nervous about the scan.

am hoping it will be fine, and that there's a healthy foetus in there.

it will help make it all real again. it's impossible to sustain the sense of excitement for more than a few weeks after we first found out, so, sickness aside, it's been business as usual for the last month or so.

Feel so sick I can barely work

vomited 4 times today already, on an empty stomach too so mainly bile.

told my boss I'm pregnant - odd decision as my scan is tomorrow, but also wasn't planning to tell him till 20 weeks, but we were discussing org charts and potential roles for me, a few of which are interesting but full time, and i just didn't have it in me to claim i could do a role only to tell another story a few weeks down the line.

he was good about it, as ever.

i just felt sick.

A good poo

I'm so constipated I haven't done a decent poo for weeks. Where does all the food go if it's not coming out???
And the vomiting is getting worse.

vomiting at work

quick email. quick chunder. quick phone call. whoops, haven't finished vomming. the good thing is that i'm almost certain absolutely no one notices, they're so used to me hopping up and down.

"Morning" sickness has arrived

nausea arrived in earnest last wednesday. feel guilty about being immobilised and about leaving as much to others as possible. mainly because the sickness is nowhere as bad as last time. mainly nausea. less vomiting. and when i do vomit, mainly retching and bile (oh joy) so at least i'm digesting food.

but it still makes me feel awful.

and more tired than ever.

and like i just want to sit very very very still.

6 weeks 6 days in - feeling worse each day

tinny taste in mouth. felt first proper wave of nausea this morning - but no actual vomiting thank god. crippling fatigue still omnipresent. feel super super short-fused and angry all the time and have resorted to taking it out on all the rude and uninformed cold callers at work, particularly those with sub-human IQ levels.

told mum yesterday. she was v. excited. it was at seema's birthday party so didn't have more than a minute to ourselves to talk about it but how i wish i wish i wish she asked me how i was feeling bc quite honestly am desperate for a sympathetic ear.

why hasn't my superhero sense of smell returned? that was quite fun. but then, it is lavender season (possibly the most nauseating smell in the world) so maybe i should be careful what i wish for.

Fear of fatigue

Sunday 1st July

Think I overdid it today - was just desperate to regain order in the house after builders had turned it upside down last week, so got up early to shift boxes and furniture before cleaner arrived. Also have been guilty of hoovering which is a bit bloody stoopid, given how my back is so messed up and what happened last time I hoovered.

Am very worried about feeling tired all the time. It's OK right now but hope it doesn't get worse as that would be an absolute nightmare.

I hate this bit of pregnancy. Actually I hate all bits of pregnancy, but right now I am reserving my hate-energy for this bit. Time is moving treacle slow right now. I so desperately want to be past the 12-week marker so I can tell people, and so the risk of something going wrong is less. And by that time it will be too far away from 6 or 7 months for me to start panicking about whether baby will be premature. And fingers crossed I won’t be sick.

First GP visit

Went to GP yesterday to start the whole pregnancy process again. Have moments where it feels very real – but generally it hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Spoke to bf about it today – both confessed to feeling rather scared. But oddly not about miscarriage risk, or prematurity, or a repeat of the nightmare that is pregnancy in general. Mainly about how on earth we’re gonna cope with one diva of a toddler and a baby. Good thing is that both of us are talking like we’re assuming that pregnancy will be successful. In many ways we can’t help but think like that. No matter how hard you tell yourself to not to count your chickens, the thought is nevertheless always there that we’re gonna have another bub in (we hope no sooner than) 9 months’ time.

Actually, I’m 5 weeks and 5 days gone, so I guess its 8 months’ time really.

Have decided not to book into EPU (early pregnancy unit) but to wait until 12 week scan. Even if we have a scan early and there is no heartbeat, what we gonna do about it anyway? So might as well wait for nature to take its course. Hoping desperately it’s not twins – first pregnancy was twins and even though there’s no hard evidence we’re pretty sure that was why we miscarried. Twins also have a much higher incidence of premature birth. So please please, please just one, healthy (hopefully male, though female would be jolly exciting too) pregnancy sack in there.

Feeling fine in general – only symptoms so far are some horrendous, teenage-style spots that I am enjoying squeezing, and feeling quite tired. Have been feeling cream crackered quite a lot in last 3 weeks, but previously put it down to Jambeans sleeping poorly and me being crazy busy at work and just battled through. It’s much harder to fight now I know it’s due to pregnancy, but having a wee toddler means you have no choice.

Have been struggling to remember how soon after discovering I was pregnant the nausea came last time. Have convinced myself it came around 6 weeks – where I will be in 2 days’ time. Am taking it as a good sign and feeling optimistic that sickness will be less this time around. If there is a pregnancy goddess please note that I really have done my time. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please don’t let me suffer from morning sickness like I did last time.