out of the wilderness

that job i was holding out for came good.

so the kids are going into nursery full time from monday when bf and i are going for a 2 michelin starred lunchfest, then i start my shiny, new, permanent job the week after that.

clearly more to tell but i need to get my head straight and words in order first.

and that, obviously, could take weeks.

A bit if luck

I have an interview tomorrow morning for a proper job. A lovely job. A job I've really been holding out for.

I also have sleep deprivation, a majorly snotty nose, a sore throat, gravelly voice (that presentation's going to sound so gret in Baritone), my period is due tomorrow and I've just discovered I have diarrhoea.

Joy.

Girl about town

Today I had 3 interviews - totally exhausting. I have an adrenalin headache.

I think I presented myself to the best of my abilities in all so hopefully I've avoided that awful sweaty feeling where you're doing something completely normal then flashback to something totally gauche/ stupid/ inappropriate you said.

I got a verbal offer from one interview - it was a follow up, to do some freelance work and then see how it went. But I didn't realise how much travel would be required. So much that it's simply not an option. I'm hoping to bag some freelance work off interview number 2 too - tough interview but at a great place. But interview number 3 was for a company I'd love to work for, and I had a good vibe off the person who interviewed me - also the person I'd report to, but the position available is sketchy right now. So sketchy it doesn't even exist, so that one is a definite slow burn, and in the time it takes to burn slowly everything could change.

But, who knows, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Redundancy Day part 1 - the shitstorm

Last Wednesday evening my company officially went into administration. All staff were called into the office on Friday. It was fun at first, seeing everybody. We were all downstairs - twittering, nervously laughing, catching up with people's news. Then our 'meeting' started and a tense silence immediately descended. A young chap - early to mid 20s whippersnapper by the looks of it and clearly a bit nervous introduced himself as being from the administrators. He called out 10 people's names and asked them to go upstairs, the rest of us, about 25 or so, stayed put. It was a real X-Factor moment. A few guffaws of sub-hysterical laughter, and a couple of people shouted out bets on our group being the ones to go. Then Administrator Chap said something like: "As you know, the company is insolvent and that means all of you in this room are being made redundant with immediate effect." Pin-drop silence. It was so sudden and to the point. Then you could feel the change in people's attitudes immediately. To anger. A huge, rising swell of anger.

It started to get a bit messy. Administrator Chap asked if there were any questions. Of course there were some questions. Sensible ones at first - about P45s and letters and government claims and forms. Then some more questions. What about the other group - were they redundant too? How come they get to keep their jobs? What would they be doing? How did complete newcomers decide who was necessary and who wasn't? Where were the directors? Why weren't they here to face their staff? Why couldn't they come down and speak to us for a few minutes?

Then a few people stood up and started to make comments about what had been going wrong at the company. And how the staff believed it had been sorely mismanaged, citing a flurry of examples and frustrations about work, and why it had been so crazy bad. And how they knew who was responsible. How 18 months ago the new management had bought a 'healthy' 'profitable' business and decimated it. Who was going to hold them accountable? Could staff write to someone and give evidence of 'wrongdoing'?

The mood was getting emotional and ugly. And it was going nowhere fast. A lot of empty speculation and unvalidated accusation followed. Administrator Chap did a pretty good job of giving honest answers where he could and facing the flak. They obviously trained him well. In a sense it's totally understandable - everyone had just officially lost their jobs. I just shut the hell up and waited for the first opportunity to get out of that room.

What I learned from that day was that I'm none the wiser. I'm none the wiser about what really happened at the company before I joined to make everyone so bitter about it's untimely demise, but I'm also none the wiser about what happens to a company going into administration. For the whole month of not being a part of the team any more but just sitting at home and twiddling fingers I had somehow believed that at the end of it I would learn a bit more and get some answers to all the questions flying around my head. What do company directors do during the notice to appoint period; what were the options to save the company; who were they talking to and about what; what does going into administration' really mean; what can and can't a business do during this period; what parts of the business would be considered as valuable and saleable, and which ones weren't; how could anything be salvaged from the wreckage?

I realise now I know nothing. I was still on the outside. That month of limbo had been spent just waiting for news, but still I felt a part of something as there were a whole bunch of us also waiting for news. But then, cruelly and swiftly, all ties were severed. We were told to hand in our keys and go. End. Of. Story.

Quality time?

Have just agreed with nursery to take Jasmine and Felix out 3 days a week (thank god for the remaining two...) as of next week. The true impact of unemployment is about to hit. I'm not looking forward to it.

Almost officially unemployed

Tuesday's email from the MD

Subject: Update
While discussions to secure the business are being finalised we regret that the payroll is not going to be administered tomorrow. Matters are coming to a conclusion and there will be a further update by Friday at the latest.

Yesterday evening there was an article in Retail Week saying the administrators had been appointed, so it's fairly obvious what the 'further update' is going to be. I expect I'll be officially unemployed soon, get my P45 and hopefully get some closure.

I've been going through a cycle of emotions about losing my job and what the future might hold but throughout the last month I've made a conscious effort to stay positive. I've hovered somewhere between stoical, sanguine and resigned to it all, but recently I've been giving in to frustration and anger.

I feel angry towards the people who employed me. It goes without saying this is probably unfair. I know that we're all victims of the Icelandic bank collapse - ultimately the lack of funding from our Scandinavian investors is what tipped us over the edge. And I also know our company directors have lost more than just their jobs. And I know they've been working very hard in extremely stressful situations. And finally, I like them as people. At least, I think I do.

But I'm angry nevertheless.

When I was being interviewed we were going to have a new website and open 40 stores. A few months down the line and we couldn't even afford milk for tea. The impersonal nature of the MD's email is what set me off. I wish he had just written 'I'm sorry guys, I know you've been holding out to see if we've pulled together a rescue package and whether you can get paid this month but unfortunately it's not going to happen. I'm not able to tell you details right now about what the future of the business might be but expect a more detailed update before the end of the week.'

Fuck it. I wish he had just written 'I'm sorry.'

A decent start to the New Year

Hurrah! I'm going to get paid for this month. Still staring unemployment in the face but at least I'm going to get paid. Hurrah Hurrah HURRAH!

The shorthand version of the longhand version of shitty christmas

I started writing this longhand version of why the run up to Christmas was so shitty, but it's taking forever and time is precious and all that, so the shorthand version is we were all horribly sick most of the time and 2 days before Christmas I lost my job because our company couldn't survive the collapse of the Icelandic bank system and I still don't know if I'm going to get paid this month.

Clearly, there is a lot more to get off my chest, particularly about being unwittingly unemployed in the midst of a deep recession, but we've finally had a good run of form so I'm not going to ruin it by moaning. Christmas Day at Auntie Seema's was most excellent. As was Boxing Day at London Zoo. As was the day after Boxing Day when La Gitane and Krusty came to stay before hopping on a plane back to HK. As was the day after the day after Boxing Day when Richard, Hilary, Danil and Seriosha came for a visit. I've eaten a LOT of cake. It feels good.

shitty christmas

it's been a very long time since i've written anything in the blog. mainly, i've not had the energy. but also, i've struggled to know what to say, or how to say it. but also, there's been a BIG THING i haven't been able to say. a big stressy rubbish shitty thing and it's just inhibited me from saying anything about anything else really. more on that later...

good stuff that happened in the run up to christmas:

1. our washing machine broke but got fixed again. (note where this starts. this is the GOOD things list. and it's CHRISTMAS. this list of the best possible things i can say starts with a washing machine.)
2. it got warmer
3. i spoke at a local council meeting against the proposal to redevelopment the house behind ours into flats, and we got a result: planning permission not granted. babymomma equals skill. many people come up to me after and ask if i am a lawyer (?) - apparently i spoke that well they assume it's a professional skill. babymomma is chuffed ;-)

shitty stuff that happened in the run up to christmas:

friday 19th december:

babymomma wakes up feeling awful. goes to work feeling awful. head-achy-body-achy-nauseous-extra-tired-type-awful. believes it is related to the takeaway curry consumed the night before. spends much of the day with head on desk. attempts to leave work early but gets hit by a deeply shite friday afternoon work crisis. doesn't leave till 5pm. leaves with heavy heart.

on tube near home, babymomma receives message to say jasmine has chicken pox. aaaargh.

saturday 20th december, morning:

jasmine seems ok. bf seems ok. babymomma feels ok-ish. felix has diarrhoea. by the time 9am arrives he has pooed on me once and vomited on me 3 times.

desperate for outing we venture to whipsnade zoo. it's cold and windy. at the penguin pool jasmine has deep panic her hair is 'falling off' and insists on being carried everywhere. poo from jasmine's wellies is smeared all over babymomma. babymomma is haunted by acrid poo smell that no number of baby wipes can erase. (babymomma IS the acrid poo smell no number of wipes can erase). we struggle on regardless. see some giraffes. have lunch. babymomma flakes out. home. coma. boyfried manfully looks after everyone.

saturday 20th december, night time:

jasmine comes into bed with us, upset, uncomfortable and itchy with spots. tosses and turns against me all night = no sleep

sunday 21st december, morning:

Felix is doing early shifts (as in pre-6am) and after our crappy night's sleep bf and I feel like total shit. Jasmine, oddly, is totally well in herself and being an absolute angel. Felix is a bit on and off. No diarrhoea today but he won't eat properly - just wants milk. He seems ok for the best part of the day until we give him a square millimetre of chocolate biscuit and he grabs it and palms it and shoves it in his mouth and giggles and coughs and smiles and jiggles on daddy's lap and then OH MY GOD he does the most enormous vomit everywhere. Bigger than the Witches of Eastwick. Worse than the Exorcist. Not a surface of either daddy or the sofa is spared. Babymomma is too busy drinking tea, eating biscuits and laughing her head off to be of any assistance whatsoever. Bf is agog with disbelief. Felix is smiling innocently and gurgling with satisfaction. Not even a spot of vomit has landed on him anywhere.

Monday 22nd December, wee small hours of the morning.

Middle of night. Babymomma wakes up feeling... a bit weird. Spends the next 7 hours running to the loo every 15 minutes with the most horrendous you can guess what

Monday 22nd December, day.

Bf is feeling queasy, achey, nauseuous too. We bundle Felix to nursery and take it in hour shifts to sleep/look after Jambeans

Tuesday 23rd December

Bf still ill and stays at home. I still feel like shit too, not having had any time to recover from whatever bug crawled up my bottom and died there. Jambeans still covered in spots and in quarantine. Felix still not 100% and still being bundled to nursery. Babymomma's company gives notice to appoint administrators today and I, effectively, lose my job. My supposed career defining move hasn't lasted 3 months. It's 2 days before Christmas. I had known since Friday it was coming but it still feels like shit when I hear the news. When I pick Felix up in the evening I am informed he has had diarrhoea today, and therefore is banned from school tomorrow.

Wed 24th December

Exhausted, sick unemployed babymomma looks after two moaning sick kids. It is Christmas Eve.