Some pictures, at last.

I can't sleep. I've been sleeping really badly for a few weeks now. I'm not sure whether it's pregnancy bladder or my total, frustrated, angry unhappiness about my situation at work or my 'time of the year' sore throat come cough come cold that's on the brink of a fully fledged invasion that's doing it. Probably all three. Whatever it is, it sucks.


So it's 3am (Sartre's 'il est trois heures' obviously applying equally in the dead of the night) and I've already beeen awake for 2 hours. So I've given in, gone and had a heartmelting look at the Sleeping Beauty that is Jam-beans and thought it was a good time to finally post some pics of her, unsurprisingly, at the zoo. She's just so gorgeous!

When is the first word?

Think Jambeans said her first word a few days ago, not counting 'mama' and 'dada' which she says discriminately now, tho' not consistently discriminately, if that makes any sense.

Her first word was "bubbub" for "bubbles" when we were having a bubble fest on the sofa, which she said over and over and over, but only when the bubbles were out and floating around, and not after we put them away. The reason I'm not 100% sure it's her first word is she could have been saying other things for ages that are words to her but I've been too thick to notice. But "bubbub" was definitely "bubbles." Clever little Jambeans.

We tried to get her repeat the proud moment next day when bf was there, but to no avail. Not sure I'll ever learn that babies and performing seals are two different things.

Copying and cognition

We've had a lovely weekend. Took Jasmine swimming for the first time in ages. She passed the water on face, jumping in, going under and getting hair wet challenges with great gusto but as suspected is very reluctant and nervous on her back. In general though she absolutely loved it and squealed with delight for half an hour, putting huge grins on Mummy and Daddy's faces too.

Jambeans has started copying in earnest. It's so adorable. So far we've been focusing on 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' but the copying is noticeable in just about everything that we do.

She's also making good progress in self-feeding and is fairly competent at shovelling food onto a spoon and getting it to her mouth. But she does get very stroppy about it - once she's got a hold of her spoon, and your spoon and the spare spoon that's it - she ain't releasing her grasp for love nor money. she's got about 15 plastic spoons but we still run out of them every day.

The best thing though is that we have lots more indicators that she understands words and language. Bf has started asking her 'Jasmine, are you hungry?' and she either nods or shakes her head quite vigorously. Ditto when she yelps or reaches for something and we ask her if she wants the cup, or the muslin or whatever, we get a nod or shake, 20-questions style-y. She can also point to her own nose and hair when we say 'where's your nose?' etc. and will pick up the right toy when we ask 'where's the pig?' so we're steadily working our way through parts of the body, farmyard animals and all the other things central to toddler world.

misery loves bloggery

dear whoever forgive me for i have sinned. it's been about 3 weeks since my last entry...

why oh why is it always the shite times that draw me to the keyboard? i could, for example, have written something last week when jambeans' nose stopped running and she was on brilliant form, and the sun came out and it was gloriously hot, and we went to steve and jessica's for lunch and auntie jessica took beautiful photos of everyone (except the one where i've got about 3 chins) uncle steve did roly poly's for jasmine and made her squeal with delight.

or i could have mentioned how nicky and i had a fab day at work last friday organising our team's magical mystery challenge as we leave our beloved london office for watford and the local asda.

or 2 days ago when i got a pink pass (outlaw in town so i got cover) and jessica and i went and pampered ourselves at the dorchester, which was ay-may-zing, then we had haircuts and i went and bought lots of clothes that are scrummy and actually fit my growing bump, and in the evening the bf took me out for a lovely meal, and it's only the second meal out we have had on our own since jambeans was born and the first one didn't really count so it was extra special and scrummy and lovey-dovey.

but instead i'm compelled to moan in type about the shitest day from shiteland i have had today. jasmine has conjunctivitis again, and after a minor row with the bf about who should stay at home and look after her today (my view - definitely his turn after i took time out of work a few weeks ago even though it completely screwed my week up) he asked his mum to stay on for an extra day (got the benefit of a willing and doting babysitter but... well, you know what) so he could do his meeting in the morning and come home this afternoon, which he did, and i managed to get away early from a tough day at work, where serious weirdness has happened (more later) and when i got home jambeans screamed blue murder (plus iGoo, snot, tears, writhing, more snot, more tears, inconsolable wailing and did i mention the earth shattering screaming?) for 90 minutes and i thought, after half hearted attempts to feed her and get her to sleep, that it was a tantrum, and i should just ignore ignore ignore, but turned out to be real, actual pain and discomfort soothed only by bf actually trying to do something to help, and giving her some ibuprofen, a chocolate biscuit and a cuddle on the sofa when she fell asleep, leaving us seriously stressed out and, for my part at least, GUILTY guilty guilty that i didn't try harder to make it better, and at the back of my mind all the time i'm turning, turning, turning over this weirdness that has happened at work, where two people that i used to manage, so worked with very closely, have outed themselves as a couple, and the chap has left his partner of quite a few years (wife of 2 years) and 5 year old daughter and 18 month old son so he can be with the chap-esse, and they are both very professional at work and i have a lot of time for them and i know nothing of their home lives, or whether they have been very unhappy in their previous situations, or whether it's the right thing or not for all involved and in my head i KNOW that i should be dispassionate and non-judgemental but in reality i just feel very upset about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with me, and that's making today particularly shite because it's an emotion that i do not understand at all why i am feeling it.

and steve and jessica are going to hong kong because steve has got a job, and even though it really is the most fantastic news i am simply gutted they are going.

like a rollercoaster but without the thrills

so life recently has been up down up down up down non stop, actually more yo-yo than rollercoaster, and the down bits are getting a bit boring to say the least.

2 weeks ago jambeans was really ill again, only about a week after i had to pick her up from nursery the last time. so i stayed at home two days to look after her which was sort of ok but i found it quite stressful emotionally cos the bub is all floppy-feverish one minute and we're plying her with calpol, and all grumpy-yelpy-moany the next and mum can't do anything to console her. and all the time, nagging worry worry worry at the back of my mind that she shouldn't fall this hard each time she gets ill, and it always goes to her chest and she gets all wheezy and it's oh do worrying that she's still so vulnerable in her chest, and worries about lung damage as a result of being premature or cos of adenovirus resurface, but nothing we can do while she's still so little and GP just said to ride the virus out, which we did, and she did get better after a couple of days.

then i was at home with her on thursday as usual, and had a day off to look after her on friday as the bf was in paris with auntie leon and uncle mary, watching the england rugby team get mullered by south africa, and he was away saturday too so jambeans and i were on our todd again, and when he came home on sunday was ill, probly cos he ate too much steak done bleu and tartare (and mary had andouillette which is effing impressive tho' i'm guessing she didn't know exactly what she let herself in for) so i looked after her on sunday too and scheeezus was i effing knackered and fed up at the end of it. (seriously - i have no idea how full time mums cope day in day out. give me work any day - sooooo much easier)

so come monday morning i was in a right grump at having had such a shitty week, and missing work and having to catch up yadda yadda and i went along to my cervical scan... and found out we're having a boy.

and everything went in slo mo and all i could think was "we're having a boy!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!" even while the probe-thingy was up my unmentionable and the doctor was guddling around.

It's a boy it's a boy it's a boy hurraaaaahhhhhh (we were hoping for a boy) and i was sooooooooooo excited and happy i forgot all about the shitty week and literally sobbed with happiness after the appointment all the way to the tube and some. cervix still looking fine btw - nice and long, and clamped shut, the way we like it.

so we're trundling along, then jambeans is ill again on saturday when i am home alone again as bf is off teaching at a course, but she bounces back again on sunday, so we have a short while to recover, then the bf is working like a bastud this week and is late late late home, and life all feels a bit ho hum hundrum peppered with stress and sleepiness.

still - pampering for mummy day in a few weeks time, plus week off in november.

big update

Sunday something or other September

so...last Monday I finally told everyone at work I was pregnant, and that was cool, and it actually makes it much easier to be at work and feel a bit sick or tired or down in the dumps because everyone understands. And I saw Ely on Thursday and told her too, and bf told Auntie Leon and Uncle Mary, so word is getting out and its all good, and everyone is being very nice to me.

Jambeans walking is coming on a treat - she chooses to walk rather than crawl now, and she's getting quite confident. And last weekend we bought her a pair of proper shoes (flexible soles, but still proper shoes) so I want to record for posterity that she is a 4F, and the proud owner of a pair of bright pink Start Rite 'Tots'. And we have no idea really whether that is big or not, but we're both assuming it's massive given that we both have humungous feet too.

I had to pick her up from nursery on Wednesday as her breath was short and she had a nasty temperature, and we were worried we would have to take her to hospital like we did last time, but she recovered a treat by Thursday morning and was all smiles and runny nose again. Relief.

I hit rock bottom with the sickness and feeling depressed about it on Wednesday, and was ready to just walk out and leave and never come back, but something or other has been looking favourably on me, as since last Thursday I haven't been sick at all. I've been taking the cyclizine every evening so go into a coma at about 9pm and not even an earthquake could rouse me, but it's worth it not to be sick.

I went to Ely's on Thursday and had a lovely day with the kids just scrumbling in the garden, and she fed me the first decent meal I have had for weeks on end, so I'm feeling curiously grateful to her, like somehow it was her, or that meal, or her house that rescued me from the living hell I was in, and I've also been eating grapes and oranges by the bucketload, and even managed some pineapple and it all tastes like nectar and stays down. Hurrah.

And I had a scan last Monday to measure my cervix, and according to my fab consultant it's not abnormally long, or open. I had a good squizz at the screen too and it looks nice and shut tight if you ask me, not that I really have a professional opinion, so I feel relieved about that, and my instinct is telling me that the bub (codename "Felix") has a really good chance of not being premature. And I have another scan in a weeks' time just to check nothing has changed. But the best bit was seeing the Felix, who did a somersault for me, and I felt a huge pang of excitement.

And the effing expensive souped-up wide boy Subaru Imprezza of a computer the bf bought over the internet arrived a few weeks ago, and had to be sent back because it was crap (but only after he spent 15 hours, till about 2am tinkering with it first) and it arrived again on Friday, and had to be sent back again, because it was still crap. And the bf is treating it all like a big disaster, and i tried to be sympathetic and understanding, but have to confess I simply don't understand why he is, well, mourning, about it, and can be quite inconsolable, especially when he deals with sick and often dying kids every day and can be perfectly rational about that. But he reminded me I can be melodramatic about loading the dishwasher correctly and he's always patient, so I felt bad about snapping at him and have tried to be a good girlfried since.

And we were told at work that we all have to move to Watford. Which is a bit crap but I'm up the duff so my choices are limited and I might as make the most of what I've got.

how to tell people?

going thru that similar uncertainty of how to tell people we're gonna have another babyscrumble without... well i'm not really sure why i find it so bloody difficult except that i do. strangers or people who i know but don't feel particularly close to are fine, but friends - oh so difficult.

maybe it's because pregnancy sucks so much, and that vague anxiety about prematurity is still floating around back there somewhere, and people don't always get that - i'm worried they will just gush and ooze and ooh and aah and say how bloody wonderful it all is, when in fact, it's all totally shit.

and also there's the abject jealousy i feel when faced with anyone who breezed through their own pregnancy, or even who just managed cope and smile (when i am clearly only just coping today and am forcing smiles left, right and centre) and i am afraid that my own mean, bitter green-eyed resentment will just surface if i tell them.

and then i really know at the back of my mind that if i tell my friends they are all rather fab and supportive and make me feel much better.

but i still, for some stoopid bloody-minded reason can't quite do it...