bad beginning to a bad evening

i'm so desperately tired. said it before. will say it again.

also feel like i'm barely keeping things together. don't remember feeling this knackered first time around, but maybe it's because having a lie in or taking it easy were options then.

had a shocking day yesterday. felt very tearful and depressed. work was extremely stressful - a lethal combination of exhaustion from my sleepless night and non-stop pressure trying to clear the decks before my working week was out. found myself feeling both extremely angry and unable to cope when anything held me up for so much as a few seconds. the tears started leaking out at one point. managed to stuff them back in, but only just. thankfully no one was around to see.

had a slight reprieve - bf called to say he would pick jambeans up. so i got to sweat it out at work for an extra hour. but the dizziness and nausea caused by sleepless night hit the minute i stopped, and hit baaaad. journey home was a nightmare.

got home. jambeans started screaming blue murder moment she saw me. purple face, constant tears, high decibel type shrieking. something obviously very wrong but god knows if we could work it out. she was inconsolable. finally, i settled on teething as the cause. kept looking to boyfried for back up because i wasn't 100% sure. he was adamant it wasn't pain for loads of good, logical reasons i can't remember. i got frustrated cos my gut was saying 'teething' over and over. but was most pissed off with myself for not trusting my gut. was hanging on by a thread at this stage. succumbed to deep, inner rage.

boyfried had been dealing with screaming babies all day and was also super stressed out. moreso than me. acopeia hit him first so mid shriek he said he couldn't deal with it anymore, put jambeans on the floor and walked away. never seen him do anything like that before. never seen him so much as a break a sweat before. freaked me out. no, later, it freaked me out. at that point - just felt resentful that he got a time out.

didn't go for long. returned to administer calpol. within minutes the bub was bubbling again. all smiles.

just felt completely drained.

bolt awake since 3am

couldn't sleep last night.
woke at 3,
lay awake,
eyes wide open,
heart beating fast,
totally wired.

i'm worried about my future.

i suppose i ought to write i'm worried about the future, and that's why i can't sleep. worried about things like global warming and bomb threats and wanting to protect my children.

but it's not true. they're not enough for me to lose sleep about.

it's all about ME.

my future.

work.
family.
money.
that stuff.

and now i am stiff.
and wired.
and tired.

and stressed.

about my future.

aaaaaaarrrggghhhhhh.

Hail in July, back to the Whit

weather's gone bonkers. heavy rain. thunderstorms. lightning. we had a hailstorm earlier on. already been soaked 3 times in 2 days.

lots of floods up north. people's houses entirely ruined by water damage. no doubt they'd be none too impressed with my soft southern moaning at a bit of rain.

jambeans went back to the Whit yesterday for another developmental check up. everything went fine apart from my usual inner RAAAAAAAAGE at there only being 5 metered parking spaces within a 100mile radius of a busy london hospital, which meant i had to drive around in circles for 20 minutes, and finally found somewhere to park, but it was miles away, on another planet i think, then got a thorough soaking as i ran across galaxies, with the pram, in the rain, to get to the hospital on time. and then more RAAAAAAAAGE at remembering how crap hospitals are, and full of scummy chavvy people with no manners who push into the lift and can't wait for anyone else to get in too, even if the other people were in front of them, or have a pram - that seems to mean extra shoving. and extra special RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE reserved for all who work in hospitals, especially the admin staff who, even though they sit at that desk all afternoon, can't tell me whether the clinic is running late, or how many people are ahead of me, or how long i might have to wait, even if you ask really nicely because you are on a meter and have a hungry baby who wants feeding so you genuinely do need to know.

the appointment was for 3.20pm. we got seen at 4.30pm. not too bad by their standards.

(had a huge grumpy 'ole woman rant about it in the pm but then boyfie told me that all the hospitals in london cut admin staff first when they're trying to save money, so they are some of the lowest paid and most demotivated people you can find. feeling a wee bit guilty...)

Tooth number 7 definitely poking through

Signs of Personality

The bub has been on tremendous good form recently. Her personality is really coming through. Previously people have said 'she's got such personality', but I always dismissed that as meaningless commentary. I mean, she was a baby and did the baby stuff that all babies do. That's no sign of individuality.

But now I get it, and maybe now is the time Jambeans is capable of showing that she's developing into a little person in her own right, or maybe now I'm seeing for the first time what others could see.

So, she's a cheeky, fun-loving, demanding diva-like, playful but oh-so spilgy type toddler. And that's a very distinct personality from other toddlers her age like Ben, who is loving and chilled, or Zayne, who is full'o'beans and relentlessly curious.

And hopefully our little personality has tooth number 7 poking through, otherwise it would be a bit embarrasing 'cos we've been chalking up any odd behaviour to teething for what seems like months now. As an explanation it's beginning to look a bit flimsy, like we don't really know what we're doing. Which obviously isn't true at all.

Fear of fatigue

Sunday 1st July

Think I overdid it today - was just desperate to regain order in the house after builders had turned it upside down last week, so got up early to shift boxes and furniture before cleaner arrived. Also have been guilty of hoovering which is a bit bloody stoopid, given how my back is so messed up and what happened last time I hoovered.

Am very worried about feeling tired all the time. It's OK right now but hope it doesn't get worse as that would be an absolute nightmare.

I hate this bit of pregnancy. Actually I hate all bits of pregnancy, but right now I am reserving my hate-energy for this bit. Time is moving treacle slow right now. I so desperately want to be past the 12-week marker so I can tell people, and so the risk of something going wrong is less. And by that time it will be too far away from 6 or 7 months for me to start panicking about whether baby will be premature. And fingers crossed I won’t be sick.

First GP visit

Went to GP yesterday to start the whole pregnancy process again. Have moments where it feels very real – but generally it hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Spoke to bf about it today – both confessed to feeling rather scared. But oddly not about miscarriage risk, or prematurity, or a repeat of the nightmare that is pregnancy in general. Mainly about how on earth we’re gonna cope with one diva of a toddler and a baby. Good thing is that both of us are talking like we’re assuming that pregnancy will be successful. In many ways we can’t help but think like that. No matter how hard you tell yourself to not to count your chickens, the thought is nevertheless always there that we’re gonna have another bub in (we hope no sooner than) 9 months’ time.

Actually, I’m 5 weeks and 5 days gone, so I guess its 8 months’ time really.

Have decided not to book into EPU (early pregnancy unit) but to wait until 12 week scan. Even if we have a scan early and there is no heartbeat, what we gonna do about it anyway? So might as well wait for nature to take its course. Hoping desperately it’s not twins – first pregnancy was twins and even though there’s no hard evidence we’re pretty sure that was why we miscarried. Twins also have a much higher incidence of premature birth. So please please, please just one, healthy (hopefully male, though female would be jolly exciting too) pregnancy sack in there.

Feeling fine in general – only symptoms so far are some horrendous, teenage-style spots that I am enjoying squeezing, and feeling quite tired. Have been feeling cream crackered quite a lot in last 3 weeks, but previously put it down to Jambeans sleeping poorly and me being crazy busy at work and just battled through. It’s much harder to fight now I know it’s due to pregnancy, but having a wee toddler means you have no choice.

Have been struggling to remember how soon after discovering I was pregnant the nausea came last time. Have convinced myself it came around 6 weeks – where I will be in 2 days’ time. Am taking it as a good sign and feeling optimistic that sickness will be less this time around. If there is a pregnancy goddess please note that I really have done my time. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please don’t let me suffer from morning sickness like I did last time.

The house is mine

Saturday 30^th June

Hurrah – builders have left, shiny new double glazing is in. Amazing how quickly the money is spent compared to how long it takes to save it all up.

Still experiencing feint sentiment that I have been lazy and tight by not doing wood, and have contributed to the general uglification of Britain. But mainly am jolly pleased as new windows are shiny and white and much nicer than crappy aluminium numbers we replaced.

Only downer is that workmen have managed to destroy our internet connection and phone line, so am having to write blog entries into Word and copy/paste when everything's set up again. The Bf is very impatient and frustrated with the whole affair, and is doing his usual “it’s all completely fucked” melodrama that ensues whenever anything mechanical/ technical/ technological breaks down. Not helped by on-call-hudgie-budgieness either.