Fabulous Feet

So 32 weeks gone and STILL pregnant. It's all going tremendously well.

Our Christmas holiday has been perfect, despite my former Christmas blues. We started off by having Nick, Jessica and Sophie round for a pre-Christmas lunch featuring a fabulous Rick Stein number that, for the first time, made me look like a genuine super chef. The recipe was actually ridiculously easy - the hardest bit was poaching eggs and, true to my usual lazy form, I got the bf to do that.

Christmas Day itself was just Jambeans, boyfried, me and the bump, ie NO OTHER FAMILY, ie heaven on a stick. We loaded J up with presents - one big one and a lot of small ones - which she got to open periodically throughout the day and she spent the whole day in play heaven. Boyfried and I kick started a mammoth run of film and video watching which we've barely just finished, taking in the whole Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings series (Jasmine, for some reason, is fascinated by Gollum - I think she thinks he's a dog) as well as some more recommendable efforts like Wag the Dog and Marathon Man.

The second half of our week off has been particularly fab, most of which I attribute to my last minute pink pass (or should it be blue pass for me?) to the Sanctuary. Bf had given me a voucher for my birthday last year and I only got round to using it on the last possible day it was valid for. When I arrived I was grumpy and anxious and missing out on a visit to London Zoo (only Jasmine's second of the week) and I was still smarting at how much of my £100 voucher just went to the privilege of being able to walk through the door - £77 would you believe - but as soon as I was in and having my deluxe pedicure it all started wafting away. Having started with the crusty, crabby feet of someone "who's let themselves go a bit" I now have fabulous feet, and hands to match, and actually feel like my attractive self again (see picture - that's what I normally look like, honestly). We went round to Pedro and Lax's leaving party - the traitors are disappearing off to Oz for a year - straight after so I even had a venue to shine at.

Felix has been particularly busy this Christmas too - doubtless fuelled by all the extra holiday-season calories I've found room for. He's redoubled his disco dancing efforts and increasingly does these slow, low turns that make you feel like your centre of gravity is dropping to your feet. (Jasmine was a kickboxer - please don't ask me what the difference is. It's just definitely a different kind of kicking.) I've definitely noticed that I feel more tired and need the post lunchtime nap more than Jambeans does, and that I'm a lot more out of breath than usual, which I understand is normal, as my lungs don't have as much space as they're used to. The worst symptoms are itchy, dry, overly sensitive skin which make me very jumpy and crabby to the touch (oooh - but just read this so that seems quite normal too); and the return of the dreaded overgrown flap of gum skin behind my two front teeth which is annoying and making me lisp again.

To cap it all, Arsenal are still top of the Premiership, even though watching them play involves more stress than I am actually capable of bearing in my pregnant condition. Jambeans is turning into a good little Gunner but worryingly Felix seems to come alive when Blackburn are playing. A nice little project for us to work on when he's born methinks.

Uncharted territory

Boxing Day 07

I am 31+2 today - more pregnant than I have ever been and in uncharted territory.

I feel like a total blimp.

Jasmine sports a pudding bowl

Jasmine had a a long overdue haircut last week. Only problem was I did a DIY pudding bowl job on her in the kitchen. Result was neat, but she just looked like a completely different girl. In Sampson-esque fashion, the haircut took any remnant of Jasmine the Baby away with it. In my view she simply looked like a toddler from the late 70s with a half grown mullet.

I've been feeling quite mortified and guilty since. I carry very sore memories of having to sport home haircuts as a teenager and suffering shameful and cruel teasing as a result. I resolved NEVER to inflict the same on any child of mine. I realise obviously that I failed at the first hurdle and fear this is a terrible sign of more broken resolutions to come when Jasmine eventually turns 13.

That said - I've just about got used to it now and think she looks kinda cute in a cool, retro way.

A whole week of desperate post justification has nothing to do with the change in attitude, of course.

major milestone

nearly forgot - jambeans let us cut her fingernails the other day. and most of her toenails the next day. hopefully this signals an end to the dubious scratch marks we've all been sporting. next mission - hair clips.

feeling glum in jolly season

finding it really hard to motivate myself today.
just wanna sleep all the time.
don't want to work any more.
don't want to plan christmas.
don't want christmas to happen fullstop.
don't want to be pregnant any more.
don't want another baby (sorry felix).
bah humbug.

Yes, we really have dressed her in a reindeer suit

Naff, kitsch, trite, exploitative, tacky and chavvy it may be.

But let's face it, she looks sooooooo cute.

Jambeans steps it up a gear

OMG have we all been sick or what? We did the mammoth trek down to the West Country where Uncle Mary and Auntie Leon were hosting LEH Christmas this year. They hired out a huuuuge B&B in 't country for all of us with loads of bedrooms for everyone - so it was a bit like being on campus at uni but all grown up and with a bunch of kids. Had a giggle, ate too much and laughed loads etc. etc. Early doors next day for the huge trek home when all of a sudden, bleuuuughhh, vomiting at the first stop, then bleeeuuugghghh, vomiting at the second stop, and bleeeuuuuggghhh, vomiting in the front garden (yes - again - but i am beginning to think regular doses of my chunder is what is making our pampas grow to enormous proportions, and no, we are not swingers, and no, when we bought it i had NO IDEA pampas grass outside your house was a sign that you were.)

Jambeans, by this time, had developed the usual snot, fever and chest wheezing symptoms of a nasty virus. So we all flaked out on our bed, when at 1am the boyfried, who is NEVER ill, got a temperature... so there we stayed for the whole of the next day, and pretty much the day after that too. I went back to work on Wednesday, but flaked out halfway through and had to come home I was so wiped out.

But we're all fine again now, including the mammoth bump i am hefting about the place. Yaaaay. And Jambeans is on super naughty form. Favourite games at the moment are:

• turning the oven on
• taking things out of the kitchen bin to play with
• shredding tissue paper
• throwing anything
• climbing anything, especially if it is precarious
• switching the PC off
• being territorial about toys
• refusing to eat fruit, veg, bread, cheese etc. and making us think she's not hungry, then happily wolfing down anything sugary or chocolatey

she's a proper toddler now. sigh. i am so proud ;-)

Lots of kicking, no hiccups

Bump (aka Felix) very busy kicking these days. Particularly after food. And particularly if I eat chocolate. I tried staying away for 2 days - decrease in kicking activity was noticeable, but withdrawal symptoms kicked in. Chocolate very much back on the menu now.

No sign up of hiccups though. Jambeans had them all the time. Drove me mad.

Poisonous poo

Jambeans has been doing some seriously smelly poo recently.

Bf said "Jasmine. Something has crawled up your arse and died there."

Things we only allow our children to do to us

Got home on a rainy, dark and wet Monday last week to a power cut. 30 minutes in a snotty Jambeans started screaming blue murder before vomiting madly all over me, my boobs, my work clothes and my hair. Yeeeeuuuuccccchhhh. No hot water so had to make do with a cold flannel wash for both of us and a croydon facelift for the sicky hair.

God I stank.

Jammie spiked a fever that lasted all night so we were 3 to the bed with Mum and Dad Florence Nightingaling whilst Jammie moaned quitely to herself. Power cut lasted 5 hours. I was so knackered when it finally came back on, I only summoned the energy to have a shower 4 hours later after a bit of uncomfortable pregnancy kip.

How I just love being a mum sometimes.

Some pictures, at last.

I can't sleep. I've been sleeping really badly for a few weeks now. I'm not sure whether it's pregnancy bladder or my total, frustrated, angry unhappiness about my situation at work or my 'time of the year' sore throat come cough come cold that's on the brink of a fully fledged invasion that's doing it. Probably all three. Whatever it is, it sucks.


So it's 3am (Sartre's 'il est trois heures' obviously applying equally in the dead of the night) and I've already beeen awake for 2 hours. So I've given in, gone and had a heartmelting look at the Sleeping Beauty that is Jam-beans and thought it was a good time to finally post some pics of her, unsurprisingly, at the zoo. She's just so gorgeous!

When is the first word?

Think Jambeans said her first word a few days ago, not counting 'mama' and 'dada' which she says discriminately now, tho' not consistently discriminately, if that makes any sense.

Her first word was "bubbub" for "bubbles" when we were having a bubble fest on the sofa, which she said over and over and over, but only when the bubbles were out and floating around, and not after we put them away. The reason I'm not 100% sure it's her first word is she could have been saying other things for ages that are words to her but I've been too thick to notice. But "bubbub" was definitely "bubbles." Clever little Jambeans.

We tried to get her repeat the proud moment next day when bf was there, but to no avail. Not sure I'll ever learn that babies and performing seals are two different things.

Copying and cognition

We've had a lovely weekend. Took Jasmine swimming for the first time in ages. She passed the water on face, jumping in, going under and getting hair wet challenges with great gusto but as suspected is very reluctant and nervous on her back. In general though she absolutely loved it and squealed with delight for half an hour, putting huge grins on Mummy and Daddy's faces too.

Jambeans has started copying in earnest. It's so adorable. So far we've been focusing on 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' but the copying is noticeable in just about everything that we do.

She's also making good progress in self-feeding and is fairly competent at shovelling food onto a spoon and getting it to her mouth. But she does get very stroppy about it - once she's got a hold of her spoon, and your spoon and the spare spoon that's it - she ain't releasing her grasp for love nor money. she's got about 15 plastic spoons but we still run out of them every day.

The best thing though is that we have lots more indicators that she understands words and language. Bf has started asking her 'Jasmine, are you hungry?' and she either nods or shakes her head quite vigorously. Ditto when she yelps or reaches for something and we ask her if she wants the cup, or the muslin or whatever, we get a nod or shake, 20-questions style-y. She can also point to her own nose and hair when we say 'where's your nose?' etc. and will pick up the right toy when we ask 'where's the pig?' so we're steadily working our way through parts of the body, farmyard animals and all the other things central to toddler world.

misery loves bloggery

dear whoever forgive me for i have sinned. it's been about 3 weeks since my last entry...

why oh why is it always the shite times that draw me to the keyboard? i could, for example, have written something last week when jambeans' nose stopped running and she was on brilliant form, and the sun came out and it was gloriously hot, and we went to steve and jessica's for lunch and auntie jessica took beautiful photos of everyone (except the one where i've got about 3 chins) uncle steve did roly poly's for jasmine and made her squeal with delight.

or i could have mentioned how nicky and i had a fab day at work last friday organising our team's magical mystery challenge as we leave our beloved london office for watford and the local asda.

or 2 days ago when i got a pink pass (outlaw in town so i got cover) and jessica and i went and pampered ourselves at the dorchester, which was ay-may-zing, then we had haircuts and i went and bought lots of clothes that are scrummy and actually fit my growing bump, and in the evening the bf took me out for a lovely meal, and it's only the second meal out we have had on our own since jambeans was born and the first one didn't really count so it was extra special and scrummy and lovey-dovey.

but instead i'm compelled to moan in type about the shitest day from shiteland i have had today. jasmine has conjunctivitis again, and after a minor row with the bf about who should stay at home and look after her today (my view - definitely his turn after i took time out of work a few weeks ago even though it completely screwed my week up) he asked his mum to stay on for an extra day (got the benefit of a willing and doting babysitter but... well, you know what) so he could do his meeting in the morning and come home this afternoon, which he did, and i managed to get away early from a tough day at work, where serious weirdness has happened (more later) and when i got home jambeans screamed blue murder (plus iGoo, snot, tears, writhing, more snot, more tears, inconsolable wailing and did i mention the earth shattering screaming?) for 90 minutes and i thought, after half hearted attempts to feed her and get her to sleep, that it was a tantrum, and i should just ignore ignore ignore, but turned out to be real, actual pain and discomfort soothed only by bf actually trying to do something to help, and giving her some ibuprofen, a chocolate biscuit and a cuddle on the sofa when she fell asleep, leaving us seriously stressed out and, for my part at least, GUILTY guilty guilty that i didn't try harder to make it better, and at the back of my mind all the time i'm turning, turning, turning over this weirdness that has happened at work, where two people that i used to manage, so worked with very closely, have outed themselves as a couple, and the chap has left his partner of quite a few years (wife of 2 years) and 5 year old daughter and 18 month old son so he can be with the chap-esse, and they are both very professional at work and i have a lot of time for them and i know nothing of their home lives, or whether they have been very unhappy in their previous situations, or whether it's the right thing or not for all involved and in my head i KNOW that i should be dispassionate and non-judgemental but in reality i just feel very upset about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with me, and that's making today particularly shite because it's an emotion that i do not understand at all why i am feeling it.

and steve and jessica are going to hong kong because steve has got a job, and even though it really is the most fantastic news i am simply gutted they are going.

like a rollercoaster but without the thrills

so life recently has been up down up down up down non stop, actually more yo-yo than rollercoaster, and the down bits are getting a bit boring to say the least.

2 weeks ago jambeans was really ill again, only about a week after i had to pick her up from nursery the last time. so i stayed at home two days to look after her which was sort of ok but i found it quite stressful emotionally cos the bub is all floppy-feverish one minute and we're plying her with calpol, and all grumpy-yelpy-moany the next and mum can't do anything to console her. and all the time, nagging worry worry worry at the back of my mind that she shouldn't fall this hard each time she gets ill, and it always goes to her chest and she gets all wheezy and it's oh do worrying that she's still so vulnerable in her chest, and worries about lung damage as a result of being premature or cos of adenovirus resurface, but nothing we can do while she's still so little and GP just said to ride the virus out, which we did, and she did get better after a couple of days.

then i was at home with her on thursday as usual, and had a day off to look after her on friday as the bf was in paris with auntie leon and uncle mary, watching the england rugby team get mullered by south africa, and he was away saturday too so jambeans and i were on our todd again, and when he came home on sunday was ill, probly cos he ate too much steak done bleu and tartare (and mary had andouillette which is effing impressive tho' i'm guessing she didn't know exactly what she let herself in for) so i looked after her on sunday too and scheeezus was i effing knackered and fed up at the end of it. (seriously - i have no idea how full time mums cope day in day out. give me work any day - sooooo much easier)

so come monday morning i was in a right grump at having had such a shitty week, and missing work and having to catch up yadda yadda and i went along to my cervical scan... and found out we're having a boy.

and everything went in slo mo and all i could think was "we're having a boy!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!" even while the probe-thingy was up my unmentionable and the doctor was guddling around.

It's a boy it's a boy it's a boy hurraaaaahhhhhh (we were hoping for a boy) and i was sooooooooooo excited and happy i forgot all about the shitty week and literally sobbed with happiness after the appointment all the way to the tube and some. cervix still looking fine btw - nice and long, and clamped shut, the way we like it.

so we're trundling along, then jambeans is ill again on saturday when i am home alone again as bf is off teaching at a course, but she bounces back again on sunday, so we have a short while to recover, then the bf is working like a bastud this week and is late late late home, and life all feels a bit ho hum hundrum peppered with stress and sleepiness.

still - pampering for mummy day in a few weeks time, plus week off in november.

big update

Sunday something or other September

so...last Monday I finally told everyone at work I was pregnant, and that was cool, and it actually makes it much easier to be at work and feel a bit sick or tired or down in the dumps because everyone understands. And I saw Ely on Thursday and told her too, and bf told Auntie Leon and Uncle Mary, so word is getting out and its all good, and everyone is being very nice to me.

Jambeans walking is coming on a treat - she chooses to walk rather than crawl now, and she's getting quite confident. And last weekend we bought her a pair of proper shoes (flexible soles, but still proper shoes) so I want to record for posterity that she is a 4F, and the proud owner of a pair of bright pink Start Rite 'Tots'. And we have no idea really whether that is big or not, but we're both assuming it's massive given that we both have humungous feet too.

I had to pick her up from nursery on Wednesday as her breath was short and she had a nasty temperature, and we were worried we would have to take her to hospital like we did last time, but she recovered a treat by Thursday morning and was all smiles and runny nose again. Relief.

I hit rock bottom with the sickness and feeling depressed about it on Wednesday, and was ready to just walk out and leave and never come back, but something or other has been looking favourably on me, as since last Thursday I haven't been sick at all. I've been taking the cyclizine every evening so go into a coma at about 9pm and not even an earthquake could rouse me, but it's worth it not to be sick.

I went to Ely's on Thursday and had a lovely day with the kids just scrumbling in the garden, and she fed me the first decent meal I have had for weeks on end, so I'm feeling curiously grateful to her, like somehow it was her, or that meal, or her house that rescued me from the living hell I was in, and I've also been eating grapes and oranges by the bucketload, and even managed some pineapple and it all tastes like nectar and stays down. Hurrah.

And I had a scan last Monday to measure my cervix, and according to my fab consultant it's not abnormally long, or open. I had a good squizz at the screen too and it looks nice and shut tight if you ask me, not that I really have a professional opinion, so I feel relieved about that, and my instinct is telling me that the bub (codename "Felix") has a really good chance of not being premature. And I have another scan in a weeks' time just to check nothing has changed. But the best bit was seeing the Felix, who did a somersault for me, and I felt a huge pang of excitement.

And the effing expensive souped-up wide boy Subaru Imprezza of a computer the bf bought over the internet arrived a few weeks ago, and had to be sent back because it was crap (but only after he spent 15 hours, till about 2am tinkering with it first) and it arrived again on Friday, and had to be sent back again, because it was still crap. And the bf is treating it all like a big disaster, and i tried to be sympathetic and understanding, but have to confess I simply don't understand why he is, well, mourning, about it, and can be quite inconsolable, especially when he deals with sick and often dying kids every day and can be perfectly rational about that. But he reminded me I can be melodramatic about loading the dishwasher correctly and he's always patient, so I felt bad about snapping at him and have tried to be a good girlfried since.

And we were told at work that we all have to move to Watford. Which is a bit crap but I'm up the duff so my choices are limited and I might as make the most of what I've got.

how to tell people?

going thru that similar uncertainty of how to tell people we're gonna have another babyscrumble without... well i'm not really sure why i find it so bloody difficult except that i do. strangers or people who i know but don't feel particularly close to are fine, but friends - oh so difficult.

maybe it's because pregnancy sucks so much, and that vague anxiety about prematurity is still floating around back there somewhere, and people don't always get that - i'm worried they will just gush and ooze and ooh and aah and say how bloody wonderful it all is, when in fact, it's all totally shit.

and also there's the abject jealousy i feel when faced with anyone who breezed through their own pregnancy, or even who just managed cope and smile (when i am clearly only just coping today and am forcing smiles left, right and centre) and i am afraid that my own mean, bitter green-eyed resentment will just surface if i tell them.

and then i really know at the back of my mind that if i tell my friends they are all rather fab and supportive and make me feel much better.

but i still, for some stoopid bloody-minded reason can't quite do it...

neglecting jambeans

jambeans, poor little thing, has been a bit neglected on the blog front. bit of an outrage since it's really her blog. so here's the rumpus:

exciting news is SHE'S WALKING. She can do an entire width of the living room quite confidently. Such an amazing milestone I can't believe I haven't rushed to the keyboard before now to mention it.

and she's trying to climb up/in/out of things.
and she's doing red indian impressions.
all seriously cool stuff.

not so exciting news is she got another virus hot on the heels of the last one. no bad chest this time - relief - but 2 full days and nights of 40 degree fever with calpol/ ibuprofen rejection coming towards the end of day2 and all on a weekend when the bf is on call. now i have caught whatever lurgi she had and doubtless bf will succumb before too long. it's been demanding to say the least (= babymomma is hanging by a thread).

in usual baby-bounce-back fashion she's been on good form today. we haven't, but as if we hadn't all suffered enough, pre-molar teething has also kicked in which is really painful. so her good mood and, most importantly, her sleep have been interspersed with serious bouts of shrieking and the inevitable meds rejection.

other thing is she's terribly clingy at the moment. she's deep into separation anxiety territory. which isn't so bad apart from the fact that it's exclusively mummy she wants. quite touching at first, in that 'mummy is best' kinda way. but that sentiment very quickly evolves into weariness at having, literally, to shoulder the baby burden. 'clingy' has reached levels of ridiculousness i wouldn't have thought imaginable, like having to take over from daddy doing the bath yesterday, because it was no good having mummy sit just outside the bath, a mere 15 cm away. No, it had to be mummy IN the bath so the bub can get as close as possible. but it's times like that you remember there's no reasoning with a littlun.

we keep telling ourselves we're going to be firm and ride out the toddler tantrums when she doesn't get her cuddle NOW. but then she screams so loud and her face goes bright red and she looks imploringly into my eyes, arms outstretched, with snot and tears pouring down her cheeks and into her mouth and i just succumb and think: 'next time. next time i will be an evil-gina-ford-type cow of a mum. right now i will reassure my little girl.'

definitely preggers

scan was fine.

one healthy foetus. sleeping apparently.

huge relief - i am still definitely preggers.

first midwife's appointment was on friday just gone. all went fine. they took 5 bottles of blood and 2 urine samples. am amazed there's any fluid left in me.

still, i did decline to down the lucozade again. no way will that all stay down for 2 hours.

because of previous history, and j's premature birth, i have to see my consultant next Wed for an examination and maybe a cervical stitch.

trying desperately not to think about it.

scan today

feeling slightly nervous about the scan.

am hoping it will be fine, and that there's a healthy foetus in there.

it will help make it all real again. it's impossible to sustain the sense of excitement for more than a few weeks after we first found out, so, sickness aside, it's been business as usual for the last month or so.

Feel so sick I can barely work

vomited 4 times today already, on an empty stomach too so mainly bile.

told my boss I'm pregnant - odd decision as my scan is tomorrow, but also wasn't planning to tell him till 20 weeks, but we were discussing org charts and potential roles for me, a few of which are interesting but full time, and i just didn't have it in me to claim i could do a role only to tell another story a few weeks down the line.

he was good about it, as ever.

i just felt sick.

2 days of hell followed by 2 days of heaven

Had to take Jambeans to hospital just over a week ago. She caught a virus that went to her chest and couldn't breathe easily, and was slipping in and out of consciousness at one point. Mum was with me - we'd arranged for her to come and visit on my day off so I could have a hand - which was a real blessing, though I was a bit mean to her because Jambeans had been so difficult since the morning and I was sooo tired and emotional and finding it hard to cope that when she did turn up after a pretty long commute she had to contend with a very grumpy and snappy babymomma. But thank god she was there because it helped me make the decision to take the bub to hospital.

When we got there it wasn't too busy and they took one look at the bub and fast-tracked her right through triage. Then they gave her oxygen and a course of nebulizers over the next few hours that seemed to help enormously, plus a bit of paracetamol and ibuprofen for the temperature. Jambeans behaved enormously well, given that she was confined to a single bed for hours, but she was so poorly she didn't feel much like scrumbling around until much much later, when we were all knackered and she was perking up.

They discharged us around 11pm - we had got there at 4pm and bf had joined us straight after work - so we were all beginning to find it a bit of an ordeal.

Next day was uber tough too as we were so knackered. It was my first Friday working since going up to 4 days a week but I didn't go in and stayed home to help Bf look after the bub.

Steve and Jessica (la Gitane) were coming for dinner so we had an italian picnic (ie - no cooking involved) in the garden and it very chilled and wonderful and set the tone for two glorious days of sunshine and happy baby ahead, so we went back to Kew gardens and got totally blissed out again.

A good poo

I'm so constipated I haven't done a decent poo for weeks. Where does all the food go if it's not coming out???
And the vomiting is getting worse.

uneighbourly behaviour

had a vicious slanging match with my neighbour yesterday over parking rights in the shared driveway

(so the aside giving the background to this is that, namely, they have no parking rights. and they know it. unfortunate for them, but sad fact of life. they are tenants. they have a front garden. we are owners. instead of a front garden we have a small parking space for our car in front of our house. which is accessed by the shared driveway. and because we also have a garage at the back that can only be accessed by the driveway, the deeds clearly state that the driveway must not be obstructed AT ANY TIME. and every now and again the neighbour wants to park the car in the driveway so she can wash it and do other stuff. and she wrote us a note when we moved in asking us- which i think was a bit stiff and distant and formal why couldn't she just have come round and asked in a friendly way? - if that was ok, and we said ok but you will have to move it at any time we need access.)

admittedly, it's a very rare occurrence that the snotty diffident cow does park her car in the driveway so i have infrequent cause for complaint,

BUT...

when i come home after one helluva shite day at work and not feeling too hot to boot

and find neighbour's car in said driveway, butted right up next to where our car is parked,

thereby blocking my access to my front door, and therefore to my home, because i cannot get the pram through no matter which way i try,

and when i have to leave my anxious baby in said pram unattended on the pavement together with handbag containing money, beloved orla kiely purse, cards, keys, crackberry, mobiles and therefore entire life there too where absolutely anyone could abscond with the job lot so i can knock on the snotty cow's door to ask her, politely, if she wouldn't mind moving the car because i can't get my pram in,

and when she chooses that moment not to say, OK, i get your point and that's fair enough, but rather to debate, at some length, whether it's actually fair for her to leave her car in the driveway or not,

and then when i ask her to come and look so she can get a better feel for what the problem is that i am trying to explain to her (and also so i can get back to the bub who is very distressed at my absence) and she returns my request with a look of impertinence and disdain because "she hasn't got any shoes on" (and there's me thinking, all she has to do is walk on some clean finchley concrete paving on a bloody warm day so she's just saying that to be snotty)

and then she turns to me and says "i don't appreciate your tone" when she's the one who actually started being snotty for no good reason, whereas i am getting impatient because she's being unnecessarily selfish and i simply want to get back to my unattended baby and into my home,

and after the whole argument escalates into shouting and i try and move things forward by saying lets park the whole "who's being ruder me or you thang because we clearly don't agree but let's both stay calm and i will say again, politely, that i'm afraid i'm going to have to ask you to move your car right now because i can't get into my home and i can't leave my screaming baby unattended much longer"

and she simply doesn't have it in her to shut up and just agree to move the car,

and then when i insist a third time but much less politely now (ie not at all) because i have had enough of her obstinacy over an issue in which she has NO RIGHTS and she slams the door as i walk off in a huff and she then takes forever to reemerge with keys and shoes

and instead of getting into her car and driving she elects AGAIN to complain about access, and my rudeness, and whatever else she can think of

and when i have reached the absolute end of my tether, because home has never seemed so close yet so far,

then yes i do think i was justified in screaming, as loud as i could muster, in her face

"JUST SHUT UP, GET IN THE CAR AND MOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and no, i don't actually give a shit that i shouted or that i was being un-neighbourly, because quite frankly, she was being a right bitch.

and at the end of the day it's our f***ing driveway.

vomiting at work

quick email. quick chunder. quick phone call. whoops, haven't finished vomming. the good thing is that i'm almost certain absolutely no one notices, they're so used to me hopping up and down.

Holiday

Jambeans started her holiday last Thursday evening by doing a poo in the bath. I was in it with her at the time and got out at a speed worthy of an Olympic Gold. What I was supposed to have done next was stay super calm and not show Jambeans that what she had done was in any way wrong or distressing. What I actually did was nakedly flap, squawk and hyperventilate for 20 minutes while screaming incoherently at the boyfried (who did stay calm and sort everything out). Jambeans was quite unhappy and (bf had fished her out of the bath by now) finished her poo amid screams of distress on the bathroom mat.

My score for that particular test in perfect parenting- FAIL.
Ho hum.

Set off on Friday to the West Country for the week. Got lots of sleep, visited the rellies, got fed, got (even) fat(ter), enjoyed the free babysitting, introduced Jambeans to the outlaws' dogs again, saw friends, went to 3 zoos and an aquarium, which was cool but admittedly was getting bored of them by the last one (which wasn't planned - we're not that zoo bonkers - it's just it was the nearest pit stop on the way home when Jambeans had enough of being cooped up in the car and started screaming).

Jambeans really enjoyed herself and smiled the whole way through. I totally fell in love with her all over again. She says 'dada' discriminately now. Also, on the last day, when we stopped off at mum's on the way home she rewarded us by taking 3 whole steps all by herself. Bf has been beaming with pride and calling her 'toddler' all day today (the usual 'darling princess bubfried' plus all the other silly nicknames still very much there too - it's gonna be a long time before they get binned)

She introduced us to 'holiday rules' sleeping, which basically means us putting her down at 7, her screaming until we give in and take her downstairs, then NOT sleeping until we drag her cute but sorry ass upstairs again at 9.30 then only falling asleep between the two of us on the not-really-big-enough-for-3-even-if-one-of-us-is-only-a-bub double bed and only then allowing us to transfer her to the travel cot.

We're paying for it now as she has spent the last half hour screaming and trying to climb out of her cot. Bf and I had a momentary 'dunno what to do' moment till images of Supernanny flashed into my head, where distraught mothers drag hissy-fitting toddlers back into bed for hours on end with no eye-contact, no cuddles, no talking etc. so have tried that and it seems to have worked.

"Morning" sickness has arrived

nausea arrived in earnest last wednesday. feel guilty about being immobilised and about leaving as much to others as possible. mainly because the sickness is nowhere as bad as last time. mainly nausea. less vomiting. and when i do vomit, mainly retching and bile (oh joy) so at least i'm digesting food.

but it still makes me feel awful.

and more tired than ever.

and like i just want to sit very very very still.

Lost a shoe at the zoo

How did that happen?

OK, not strictly a ditzy Cinderella story, as it wasn't a shoe I was actually wearing - the weather threatened both thunderstorms and a heatwave so I wore my trainers and put my beloved, funky green flats with the skull & crossbone pattern in the basket of Jazzie's pram. Come shoe changing time there's only one shoe in the basket. The other must have fallen out. How gutting is that?

So you can probably tell we went back to London zoo. Animal du jour was a Feather-tailed Glider - a wee little mouse that only comes out at night with a tail surrounded by feathered skin so it's flat and good for gliding from one branch to another. Seriously cool.
And the squirrel monkeys were on great form.
And jambeans was on great form.
And boyfried is on great form and being extra specially considerate and lovely at the moment.
And I've knackered my back again ;-(
But it's mainly good.
But it's school tomorrow :-(

More buns / still feeling low

Looked in the book last night under the 'signs of miscarriage' section and it clearly said that "simply not feeling pregnant" was not a sign that anything was remotely wrong, so felt greatly sobered (as well as faintly embarrassed I succumbed to such niaiserie in the first place).

Feeling pregnant is back on the agenda today anyway, which helps the mental state, but meant I felt like total crap all day with a bit of completely knackered poo thrown in for good measure.

Leon called today to say that Mary was 12 weeks pregnant, yaaaaaaaay, which means for LEH Christmas (which is this weekend, obviously) four of the six of us girls will be sporting buns - me (due Feb 25th), Mary (due Jan 22nd), Hannah (due Dec 22nd) and Jade (due October sometime)

But I'm the only one who can't tell anyone :-( boo hoo boo hoo boo hoo

To EPU or not to EPU

Paranoia has begun to set in.
(Or is it me just being extremely in tune with my body?)

After Monday's burst of pregnancy symptoms, today, I feel nothing.
Nada.
Zip.

I just don't feel pregnant today.

Didn't yesterday either, when my appetite returned big time. And the nausea went. And I felt quite alert and sprightly.

And it feels the same today. Barring, of course, the sleep-deprived variety of nausea and feeling totally knackered because of yet another random sleepless night, but that feels very different to the pregnancy variety.

And then I couldn't help but remind myself that when I had a miscarriage just over two years ago it presented at 11 weeks but they said it probably occurred around 6 weeks, and today I am 7 + 1 so it got me thinking... But then it's silly and doesn't mean anything and speculating about bad things happening doesn't help anyone.

So now I am sort of worried. But not in a panicky way. Just in a vague back of mind entertaining of the idea this might not have a happy ending and wondering if we should in fact go to the EPU?

Was it the smoked salmon?

Bf was on call last night, didn't get in till midnight (busy saving lives like a hero. sigh). I was also shattered from way way way too much work stress. Perfect recipe for coma sleep.

So why oh why oh why did we both wake up at 01.37 this morning and not get back to sleep?

Was it because we had gone to bed at 9pm? Why didn't remaking the bed work? Or the hot chocolate? Or getting up to watch telly to tire us out? (8 out of 10 cats - perhaps too funny? Should have gone for a war documentary) Or reading our books? Or listening to the iPod?
Why didn't they work? Or was it the smoked salmon we had for dinner? (And for that matter, why isn't Jambeans sleeping now?)

So, another day of pushing through glazed eyes caffeine high manic sweats screen flicker semi consciousness at work followed by tube nausea once i stopped. oh joy. my life is such joy right now.

spirited little chicken

jambeans was horribly ill on saturday night. she was completely burning up with fever. we had to wake her up, strip her down, syringe calpol into her mouth and then dump her into a cool bath. she just screamed in outrageous protest all the way through, which was totally justifiable because there is no greater insult than having your beauty sleep (albeit feverish and semi-conscious) disturbed by bigger, stronger people with their own agenda.

she woke up a few more times during the night, obviously cos she was ill but a bit of me also likes to think it was renewed indignation at our brusque treatment of her earlier on. boyfried did the florence nightingale thang at and mopped her brow with a damp flannel and her fever broke. must be his oversized healing hands...

she's over the worst of it now but her breathing is really short at night time and she's got that horrible raspy, chesty cough that has come back frequently ever since she had adenovirus. with no basis for it, other than parental anxiety, i am now worried about her being asthmatic when older.

adversity aside, she has proven herself to be a spirited little chicken, and even though still a bit poorly she's on adorable form. i really think we got a bit closer when bf was away and she's really started to initiate physical contact with me - she lays her head on my chest, and crawls over to me like a puppy with a big sloppy grin on her face for big big cuddles and i dunno if i've said it before but it's just brilliant being a mum.

6 weeks 6 days in - feeling worse each day

tinny taste in mouth. felt first proper wave of nausea this morning - but no actual vomiting thank god. crippling fatigue still omnipresent. feel super super short-fused and angry all the time and have resorted to taking it out on all the rude and uninformed cold callers at work, particularly those with sub-human IQ levels.

told mum yesterday. she was v. excited. it was at seema's birthday party so didn't have more than a minute to ourselves to talk about it but how i wish i wish i wish she asked me how i was feeling bc quite honestly am desperate for a sympathetic ear.

why hasn't my superhero sense of smell returned? that was quite fun. but then, it is lavender season (possibly the most nauseating smell in the world) so maybe i should be careful what i wish for.

jasmine is standing

jasmine is determined to stand. she stood for the first time yesterday, in the bath, while i hyperventilated with excitement. and she's managed about 3 or 4 wobbly seconds of 100% hands-free standing a few times today as well.

wot a clever bub.

too tired and hormonal to feel happy

bf has gone to west country for his grandma's funeral.

will miss him muchly but he could really do with a break. AND i get to watch gray's anatomy properly for once (rather than in 5 minutes bursts when i can squeeze it in over the weekend).

i've felt very isolated for the last couple of days. the bf is acting like i'm not preggers at all - just getting on with things, in that uber-pragmatic way of his. and he's probably also just waiting till after the results of the first scan when we can feel more confident we're in the clear. we've also both spent the last couple of days wrapped up in our own private worlds, lots of stress at work for both of us, and it's been affecting us both. so we're both pre-occupied. and we're both tired. so they're all good reasons.

but i just can't stop thinking about how i'm pregnant again. and i want to share it all with him. and feel excited together. and nervous together. and i want him to know how i feel physically. and i want to feel close to him. and i want us to exchange those special looks that say 'we've got a happy secret.' and i want him to reach over and pat my tummy like he did last time.

but there's been none of that. just distance. and isolation. and irrepressible amounts of rage (hormone induced). and body shattering fatigue.

pregnancy sucks.

bad beginning to a bad evening

i'm so desperately tired. said it before. will say it again.

also feel like i'm barely keeping things together. don't remember feeling this knackered first time around, but maybe it's because having a lie in or taking it easy were options then.

had a shocking day yesterday. felt very tearful and depressed. work was extremely stressful - a lethal combination of exhaustion from my sleepless night and non-stop pressure trying to clear the decks before my working week was out. found myself feeling both extremely angry and unable to cope when anything held me up for so much as a few seconds. the tears started leaking out at one point. managed to stuff them back in, but only just. thankfully no one was around to see.

had a slight reprieve - bf called to say he would pick jambeans up. so i got to sweat it out at work for an extra hour. but the dizziness and nausea caused by sleepless night hit the minute i stopped, and hit baaaad. journey home was a nightmare.

got home. jambeans started screaming blue murder moment she saw me. purple face, constant tears, high decibel type shrieking. something obviously very wrong but god knows if we could work it out. she was inconsolable. finally, i settled on teething as the cause. kept looking to boyfried for back up because i wasn't 100% sure. he was adamant it wasn't pain for loads of good, logical reasons i can't remember. i got frustrated cos my gut was saying 'teething' over and over. but was most pissed off with myself for not trusting my gut. was hanging on by a thread at this stage. succumbed to deep, inner rage.

boyfried had been dealing with screaming babies all day and was also super stressed out. moreso than me. acopeia hit him first so mid shriek he said he couldn't deal with it anymore, put jambeans on the floor and walked away. never seen him do anything like that before. never seen him so much as a break a sweat before. freaked me out. no, later, it freaked me out. at that point - just felt resentful that he got a time out.

didn't go for long. returned to administer calpol. within minutes the bub was bubbling again. all smiles.

just felt completely drained.

bolt awake since 3am

couldn't sleep last night.
woke at 3,
lay awake,
eyes wide open,
heart beating fast,
totally wired.

i'm worried about my future.

i suppose i ought to write i'm worried about the future, and that's why i can't sleep. worried about things like global warming and bomb threats and wanting to protect my children.

but it's not true. they're not enough for me to lose sleep about.

it's all about ME.

my future.

work.
family.
money.
that stuff.

and now i am stiff.
and wired.
and tired.

and stressed.

about my future.

aaaaaaarrrggghhhhhh.

Hail in July, back to the Whit

weather's gone bonkers. heavy rain. thunderstorms. lightning. we had a hailstorm earlier on. already been soaked 3 times in 2 days.

lots of floods up north. people's houses entirely ruined by water damage. no doubt they'd be none too impressed with my soft southern moaning at a bit of rain.

jambeans went back to the Whit yesterday for another developmental check up. everything went fine apart from my usual inner RAAAAAAAAGE at there only being 5 metered parking spaces within a 100mile radius of a busy london hospital, which meant i had to drive around in circles for 20 minutes, and finally found somewhere to park, but it was miles away, on another planet i think, then got a thorough soaking as i ran across galaxies, with the pram, in the rain, to get to the hospital on time. and then more RAAAAAAAAGE at remembering how crap hospitals are, and full of scummy chavvy people with no manners who push into the lift and can't wait for anyone else to get in too, even if the other people were in front of them, or have a pram - that seems to mean extra shoving. and extra special RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE reserved for all who work in hospitals, especially the admin staff who, even though they sit at that desk all afternoon, can't tell me whether the clinic is running late, or how many people are ahead of me, or how long i might have to wait, even if you ask really nicely because you are on a meter and have a hungry baby who wants feeding so you genuinely do need to know.

the appointment was for 3.20pm. we got seen at 4.30pm. not too bad by their standards.

(had a huge grumpy 'ole woman rant about it in the pm but then boyfie told me that all the hospitals in london cut admin staff first when they're trying to save money, so they are some of the lowest paid and most demotivated people you can find. feeling a wee bit guilty...)

Tooth number 7 definitely poking through

Signs of Personality

The bub has been on tremendous good form recently. Her personality is really coming through. Previously people have said 'she's got such personality', but I always dismissed that as meaningless commentary. I mean, she was a baby and did the baby stuff that all babies do. That's no sign of individuality.

But now I get it, and maybe now is the time Jambeans is capable of showing that she's developing into a little person in her own right, or maybe now I'm seeing for the first time what others could see.

So, she's a cheeky, fun-loving, demanding diva-like, playful but oh-so spilgy type toddler. And that's a very distinct personality from other toddlers her age like Ben, who is loving and chilled, or Zayne, who is full'o'beans and relentlessly curious.

And hopefully our little personality has tooth number 7 poking through, otherwise it would be a bit embarrasing 'cos we've been chalking up any odd behaviour to teething for what seems like months now. As an explanation it's beginning to look a bit flimsy, like we don't really know what we're doing. Which obviously isn't true at all.

Fear of fatigue

Sunday 1st July

Think I overdid it today - was just desperate to regain order in the house after builders had turned it upside down last week, so got up early to shift boxes and furniture before cleaner arrived. Also have been guilty of hoovering which is a bit bloody stoopid, given how my back is so messed up and what happened last time I hoovered.

Am very worried about feeling tired all the time. It's OK right now but hope it doesn't get worse as that would be an absolute nightmare.

I hate this bit of pregnancy. Actually I hate all bits of pregnancy, but right now I am reserving my hate-energy for this bit. Time is moving treacle slow right now. I so desperately want to be past the 12-week marker so I can tell people, and so the risk of something going wrong is less. And by that time it will be too far away from 6 or 7 months for me to start panicking about whether baby will be premature. And fingers crossed I won’t be sick.

First GP visit

Went to GP yesterday to start the whole pregnancy process again. Have moments where it feels very real – but generally it hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Spoke to bf about it today – both confessed to feeling rather scared. But oddly not about miscarriage risk, or prematurity, or a repeat of the nightmare that is pregnancy in general. Mainly about how on earth we’re gonna cope with one diva of a toddler and a baby. Good thing is that both of us are talking like we’re assuming that pregnancy will be successful. In many ways we can’t help but think like that. No matter how hard you tell yourself to not to count your chickens, the thought is nevertheless always there that we’re gonna have another bub in (we hope no sooner than) 9 months’ time.

Actually, I’m 5 weeks and 5 days gone, so I guess its 8 months’ time really.

Have decided not to book into EPU (early pregnancy unit) but to wait until 12 week scan. Even if we have a scan early and there is no heartbeat, what we gonna do about it anyway? So might as well wait for nature to take its course. Hoping desperately it’s not twins – first pregnancy was twins and even though there’s no hard evidence we’re pretty sure that was why we miscarried. Twins also have a much higher incidence of premature birth. So please please, please just one, healthy (hopefully male, though female would be jolly exciting too) pregnancy sack in there.

Feeling fine in general – only symptoms so far are some horrendous, teenage-style spots that I am enjoying squeezing, and feeling quite tired. Have been feeling cream crackered quite a lot in last 3 weeks, but previously put it down to Jambeans sleeping poorly and me being crazy busy at work and just battled through. It’s much harder to fight now I know it’s due to pregnancy, but having a wee toddler means you have no choice.

Have been struggling to remember how soon after discovering I was pregnant the nausea came last time. Have convinced myself it came around 6 weeks – where I will be in 2 days’ time. Am taking it as a good sign and feeling optimistic that sickness will be less this time around. If there is a pregnancy goddess please note that I really have done my time. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please don’t let me suffer from morning sickness like I did last time.

The house is mine

Saturday 30^th June

Hurrah – builders have left, shiny new double glazing is in. Amazing how quickly the money is spent compared to how long it takes to save it all up.

Still experiencing feint sentiment that I have been lazy and tight by not doing wood, and have contributed to the general uglification of Britain. But mainly am jolly pleased as new windows are shiny and white and much nicer than crappy aluminium numbers we replaced.

Only downer is that workmen have managed to destroy our internet connection and phone line, so am having to write blog entries into Word and copy/paste when everything's set up again. The Bf is very impatient and frustrated with the whole affair, and is doing his usual “it’s all completely fucked” melodrama that ensues whenever anything mechanical/ technical/ technological breaks down. Not helped by on-call-hudgie-budgieness either.

grrrr workmen

grrr just want the double glazing to be in and the workmen to leeeaaave (but not before doing the hoovering and dusting everything twice please).

had to get out today as felt like alien in my own home, plus doors open all the time made it all brrr chilly chilly cold. escaped in afternoon to a soft play area where jambeans invented new ways to fall off a slide into a ball pit and played flirty peekaboo with a boy toddler.

another bun is in the oven

ooooooooohhhhhh.

found out 2 days ago i'm pregnant again. given previous miscarriage, seriously crappy pregnancy and premature baby would have thought i would be more circumspect about it all, but that hasn't hit yet so am just enjoying the feeling of being very very very excited.

Still buzzing off bamjeans' birthday party

only 2 days ago our house was filled with 10 bubs, 15 grown ups, a whole lot of mayhem, some sterling muffins and one very happy baby.

wot a fab birthday party.

A good death

Jasmine's Great Grandma died peacefully in her sleep at 3.30am this morning. RIP Granny.

hard day antidote

jambeans has been an absolute treasure this evening - the perfect antidote to 3 days pure work-slog with evening time WFH thrown in to boot.

discovered a new game in the bath she couldn't get enough of - consisted of me holding her against my shoulder with my hand beneath her head and her legs around my tummy (i.e. the upright cuddling p'zish so mum doesn't get cold in the bath), then just letting her fall backwards into the water but supporting her head on the way down. instant giggles. again. and again. and again... you get the picture.

not much other stuff to report - saw nicky (siena-babymomma) today but feeling guilty as was in usual ruddy blush to finish up at work and pick up the bub so didn't really get to have a decent chinwag.

also not too proud of bitter, pain-fuelled mood and stony-hearted comments re. dying grandmas on yesterday's post but have decided not to delete/ amend, true to the warts'n'all/ keeping it real spirit i think this blog should be about.

mucky pup

jasmine's been going to messy play - basically a big room with paint in it that someone else cleans after you've gone home. she's getting into the spirit of things.

avoid death this weekend

my back is so fucked i can barely move in the mornings. find it hard to haul my own sorry ass out of bed and wash/ clothe myself let alone do it all for the bub. just keep popping painkillers, being grumpy and trying to push on through it all. swimming makes it worse so am missing out on my weekly peace haven.

went to doctor's today to get a referral so sorting it out but totally stressed as means more precious work time wasted.

jazzie's party looms. the forecast is for torrential rain. it's the same weekend as glastonbury. we should have worked that one out.

we have word that bf's grandma is slowly slipping away. she's in her 90s i think so definitely has had a good innings but i will be so bloody angry if she chooses to die this weekend when it's jazzie-time.

the goddess is angry

after our muffin triumph we tried our hand at fairy cakes.

the cake bit was fine. the icing was a total disaster. we were so bad bf said we were worse than the losing team in the generation game.

either the goddess nigella pulled that celebrity chef lie on us, by making it sound oh soooo eeeeaaaasy (in the book she glosses through the icing part with a mere "i just use the back of a spoon and smooth it on") or we mere baking mortals have somehow made her very angry.

dear goddess - please spare us your wrath for the party next week. we will accept any punishment as long as it involves eating chocolate in a suggestive manner.

got my priorities all wrong but i don't care rant

i have house jealousy.

i just don't get how loads of people manage to get a beautiful house with the whole lifestyle thang going on. you know, woodstrip flooring, slate tiled bathroom, landscaped garden. our house is such a bloody tip in comparison (see photos in previous post for evidence) and 'cos we are strictly DIFM everything costs a small fortune.

work on the new double glazing starts in 2 weeks time which is so boring i'm finding it hard to get excited about ugly ugly UPVC.

Jailbreak Jasmine

just got to shimmy across this wall...

then pull the cord to release the escape hatch...


check the coast is clear...


make a quick run for it...

home free. paris hilton eat your heart out!

tough week. crazy at work and not sleeping brilliantly...

tough week. crazy at work and not sleeping brilliantly so feel cream crackered. pedro and lax came round for dinner that evening. v. cool and relaxed but i was tripping a bit on only 4 hours sleep so can't really remember much of it but bf said i was on good form. saw tina's new baby ava loridana today and remembered how much i had forgotten about the first few months, if that makes sense. ciaran came too. used to work with them both in 2000 but haven't sat down in a room with either of them for years. all very chilled. jambeans been very diva like lately. moaning a lot when she doesn't get what she wants. not eating much - unusual for a bub with a reputation for being trough monster (as previously mentioned). it's thrown us a bit so when she cries we tend to offer her food in case she's hungry, and she will often have a little bit. ends up with her having lots of small meals and us not knowing whether she's sated, or just fussy and is refusing to eat food unless it's cake. but we're not giving her cake so don't know if she's hungry and so on. mad keen to explore everything, even when tired so she's taking lots of tumbles too. bf feeling a bit out of kilter because the bub is quite hard to read at the moment, and it's tiring and frustrating when you get it wrong. am trying best to be sympathetic but know i'm not giving him full attention as am a bit self absorbed/ obsessed with work and bad back which is killing me so much that sometimes i can't walk, or sit, or lift a bag and i know it's melodrama but am getting totally paranoid about paralysis. but on the good side have uploaded loads of jambeans photos so can make blog look pretty again.

nous t'aimons la gitane

jasmine says bonjour just for you cherie. crappy may is over. you still managed to look beautiful in hospital. glasto is upon us. krusty's ant fetish can't last long.

(btw- if you want my words of wisdom from one who lives with a doctor - never never never get seriously ill at the weekend again. but i guess you worked that one out already.)

All hail Goddess Nigella

Yesterday

Made Nigella's blueberry muffins yesterday. Yet another triumph from the domestic goddess.

The motivation to bake is because we're having a floral-themed party in a few weeks' time to celebrate Jasmine's due date birthday. A flimsy excuse for a bit of a do really.

I've been panicking for weeks. It was my idea to have the party - it's been ages since I've had one - but ever since the invites went out and just about everyone said yes (why weren't any of them busy that weekend?) I've been mired in party paranoia. Food, entertainment, space (lack, thereof), decoration, what will I wear, is the house safe enough for all the little bubs, do we have enough space? all that worry has flooded in. But the panic has given us enough motivation finally to stow outgrown baby paraphernalia in the loft and offload boxes to the second-hand shop, most of which we hadn't unpacked since we moved in. Just don't open any cupboards in our house without a hard hat, that's all.

Today

Gloriously sunny today. We were planning tozzzz go buy stair gateszzzzzz at Brent Crosszzzzzzzzzzz (admittedly at my insistence - now the bub is crawling I am terrified of going to the loo without fear of her base jumping down the stairs) but such a boring plan didn't fit with such a beautiful day, and when boyfried made his usual joke about going to the zoo we both thought, why not?

Animals were on good form. Took the camera so finally have some more photos to upload. Jambeans' been running a fever today. We think, because of the MMR, but also she's dribbling like mad at the mo so there must be a tooth on the way. She enjoyed the zoo though. Particularly the fish. Man she just loved those fish. Her whole face lit up. I'm sure she thought it was like watching a zillion, enormous tellies, really close up, with no one saying no.

hamster latest

jamster hamster...

... is still big on cruising, particularly likes hanging on with one hand and bending down to pick up something else with the other

... eats like a horse ...

... but gets fussy at mealtimes, sometimes only eating if she can feed herself, which she does very inexpertly with a spoon, getting more on the chair/ floor/ me/ than in her gob

... doesn't quite get what scooping is all about yet so her favourite manoeuvre is to grab the spoon, throw it in the bowl then wave her arms about quite madly in an abracadabra type motion as if the food will then leap onto the spoon by magic

... prefers using her fingers to eat, even for soft, mushy food, which she daubs onto her fingers before shoving them into her mouth

... thinks bananas are great, her favourite bit being the banana skin which she bites into with relish? guess (hope) that's a teething thing.

... is also dribbling madly today so we guess #7 is coming soon

... is fascinated by 'in' and 'out' and will endlessly put something in the cup/bowl/box/etc. then out the cup then in the cup then out the cup, even (especially?) if the cup is full of water

... likes crawling around in the garden

... likes passing things to mummy and daddy then taking them back and passing them and taking them back and passing them and taking them yaaaawwwnn

... is still obsessed with clapping

... has started to copy, so will take the hairbrush and brush her own hair, or feed us raisins or will hold mummy's mobile to her ear

... has started to get onto her knees, or even stand up in her cot (grobag permitting) if she doesn't want to sleep at night

... throws tantrums, cries when we leave the room and is growing quite nicely into a right little diva

eight point nine kilo baby

we weighed jambeans today on the supermarket scales. i knicked the idea off a sitcom. like a true coward i tasked bf to do it and then walked off to spy on him from behind the cabbages before he could protest. he picked up the bub and hovered 'casually' around the scales, trying not to look guilty. unfortunately the place was crawling with staff and bf looked guilty as hell, and he hadn't even done anything yet. in the end i just walked up to the nearest shelf stacker and asked him if the scales would take my baby's weight. he looked scared that a customer had actually spoken to him in the first place, let alone asked something that wasn't in his training manual, so we just plonked her on before he could register and we were away.

eight point nine kilos. she's jumped back up to the 49th centile. she's doing well.

next time i'm gonna try the post office. it's a lot closer.

Jabs today

Took Jambeans for her MMR and 3rd Prevenar today. Not a pleasant task, and I'm not brilliant with injections myself. Like most cowards I do experience flashes of panic when they're coming up. But, whether its for me or her, I always try my best to put on a calm and fearless exterior.

I make a point of NEVER looking when they prepare the syringe, and I rarely watch when they stick it in. It's the only way I can really cope with the anticipation of pain. The nurse was in a chatty mood today, and kept up a lively stream of questions as she drew up the syringe, so I didn't have much choice today but to look at the enormous, glinting needle. I always thought that was also the one that went into your flesh. How wrong I was.

The needle that goes into you (or rather, the bub) is diddy.
Tiny.
Miniscule.

What a discovery. I feel cheated. Why did no one tell me that before?

jasmine's first blog entry

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whassup with jambeans?????????

jambeans wouldn't sleep last night just screamed and screamed and screamed even when we brought her into bed with us she just wanted to be held wouldn't tolerate being put down at all she wasn't ill wasn't teething we don't think hadn't done a poo etc. we think it's probably separation anxiety combined with awareness of world rushing in and her not knowing how to control her mood state but in the end we gave her some food changed her nappy gave her some calpol and left her to it but i think she fell asleep at that point mainly because she had been screaming for about 4 hours then we caught some zees but only a few hours and were both zombies all day but bf had said that morning on the train platform whatever happens DON'T STOP WORKING and he was right cos otherwise i would have gone numb but when i finally did stop it all caught up with me and thought i was going to die or be sick from exhaustion but still had to pick jambeans up and get her home and now she is in bed and we hope she sleeps ok and i feel like poooooooooooooo

addicted to crap telly

since telly is famously getting worse all the time i think it's best to rejoice in it's grubbiness, rather than moan about the good ole days, so here's the list of dross i'm series linking on Sky+ at the moment:

• gray's anatomy (but it's gotta be series 3 on living tv - none of that 1-series-behind-shitey-stuff on five)
• ugly betty (but it's gotta be the first viewing on wednesdays on e4 - none of that two-days-after-the-main-event-shitey-stuff on four)
• the apprentice (that katie, eh? whottabitch)
  
• gordon ramsay's f word (worth it just to hear the foodie gobshite tell gordon to f*** off)
  
• countdown (i'll have an inverted T please carol)
• paul merton in china (disappointingly crap)
• shipwrecked 2007 (go tigers, go)
• big brother on the couch (my concession to BB so far. i will not get addicted to BB this year, i WILL NOT get addicted to BB this year ad infinitum)
  
• project runway (i really have sunk that low)
  
• abbey and janice - the beauty and the best (and yet lower still)

tragic isn't it?

more mess than mat

jamster led a mammoth broccoli throwing session this pm, followed very quickly by toast tossing, grape chucking and water spilling - all over the seat, the balloon, donut the giraffe, the floor and, of course, herself.

rambling thesis about facebook

so lagitane and i have been parleying about facebook, and since it's one of those rare occasions i committed e-thoughts to e-paper in some semi-coherent form at least, here's the transcript. i'm not sure i agree 100% with what i've said, or more precisely, the tone with which it is said, since i'm quite addicted to facebook so i must enjoy it in some small way.

lagitane:

what the h*** is this facebook thing all about?!

babymomma:

you're obviously struggling to see the point of it so far.

basically facebook, like any other social networking site (and every time i mention facebook it is interchangeable with myspace etc.), is at its most powerful and, IMHO, only really works for social groups that meet in the real world - ie have a need to talk at least once every day. that's why it's such a draw for schoolchildren, students, 20 somethings and people whose work doesn't tie them to an office or a 9-5 (think actors, directors, scriptwriters, the unemployed etc). evidently, it's not exclusively the preserve of the young, but i suspect it tends to service their needs the most.

it's one-stop-shop-ness is one of the key benefits. it's a natural extension of both email and Instant Messenger, because the interface allows both one-to-one and one-to-many conversations, with the added bonus of being able to upload photographs, publish notes, import blogs and upload other networking apps for your whole social gang, immediate and extended, to see on one page. [separately, many IM, email, blogs, photo sharing sites offer superior service and better interfaces than facebook, but the convenience of doing everything in one place seems to be winning out.]

as a networking site, you can also use it see who knows who, and therefore who is popular (and cool) and who isn't. it's also creates the opportunity to use the network to add 'friend' after 'friend' and therefore increase your own aura of connectedness/ popularity/ coolness. but i think that only really works if you've met them in real life, so facebook becomes a public, post-event record of your real-world connections to people, and a way of expressing how many and what kind of people you like.

so what's the point?

to my mind, it's the 21st century equivalent of customising your bedroom wall/ school folder/ school bag. what it delivers isn't fundamentally new, it's just the medium that has changed. for decades people in society have sought ways of publicly expressing their personal tastes, identity and individuality with a view to impressing any other observer, casual or otherwise. facebook lets you do it in a considered manner so your virtual personality becomes the 'you' you wish you could be all the time. where bad hair days don't exist and you are never lost for wit... the premise is very alluring, particularly to young people who tend to care more passionately about what others think about them.

for facebook to really add value to your life, though, you have to have:
(a) time to waste socialising in the virtual world
(b) some latent need to express your individuality
(c) genuine need to interact with your social network on a daily basis.

without these three things, facebook will just be something to try out to see what the hype is all about and then quickly forgotten. within a few months i guarantee there will be a vast number of stagnant profiles - PLUs who have gone on to see what all the fuss is about, and then dropped it just as soon.

i'm sure the main reason you're probably unimpressed is because you're french, you have cool in your DNA so don't need to bother with all this.

lagitane:

as I suspected, it's just a virtual version of when we used to write in each other's notebooks at school...

well, so far it has put me back in touch with the wan**r that [censored] in hong kong and only told me 48 hours after the deed, leading me to believe I was [censored] for two days...so I suppose that's a positive!
am thinking of writing on his wall to warn all innocent ladies away...

Stop start stop start

• when did jamster-hamster stop blowing raspberries to mean 'no'?
• when did she start faceplanting into the sippy cup to guzzle down water at every opportunity?
• when did she stop with the "wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa" and start back on the "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba"?
• when did she start bursting into fits of laughter for no apparent reason whatsoever?
• when did she stop trying to pull my hair out?
• when did she start using her head and eyes to point to things she wants?
• and when will she ever stop grabbing my specatacles?

i think i've been asleep for the last few weeks.

(no. can't believe i just said that. asleep for a few weeks? i wish...)

we've come a long way baby

found this email i wrote to the other babymommas when jambeans was 5 mths corrected. forgot how painful the learning curve was. hell, i might even pass for an experienced babymomma now.

ok i'm going to type this really really fast as i probably only have another 5 mins before the baby j wakes up & starts screaming again. she got a cold on monday, and was a bit grumpy and snuffly at the beginning of the week but yesterday she hit the "had enough" button and started screaming. and i mean proper screaming - like she's convinced i'm putting poison in the breast milk screaming. and she pretty much hasn't stopped since. i got so worried i even called nhs direct, but by the time i left my details and a nurse called me back she had just woken up from a nap, and seemed smiley and fine. so i said it was a false alarm and as soon as i put the phone down she started the "you're killing me" screaming again. yesterday the only thing that would quieten her was me carrying her, but i had to stand up whilst carrying her (sitting - not allowed) so my arms and legs and back are so knackered they're faintly shaking today. then she woke up every 2 hours at night for some food as she had barely eaten anything yesterday (doubtless too busy screaming), until 5 this morning when she refused to go back to sleep again. but she wasn't making too much noise until ali left at 7.30 this morning when she started screaming again. now i have a choice of "you're killing me" screaming if i lay her down, or "loud, moany-whimpering-type-screaming" if i carry her. silence is not an option. i keep taking long slow deep breaths in the mistaken assumption that she will pick up on my general aura of calm-in-control-ness. but she thinks that's a load of b***ocks and just keeps screaming.

oddly, the only thing that worked today was me putting her on her back on her changing mat on the bathroom floor while i took a shower. so that's my secret weapon and s*d the water shortage.

phew, just had to get that off my chest. in case you're wondering - i'm feeling alright bc i know this won't last, but thanks ladies for the release anyway.

crossing the threshold

jambeans crawled into the hall by herself today. she was looking for me - crawled quite confidently down the hall, but then got hesitant just before the dining room and stopped for a bit of a think.
ooh she's just adorable

she thought i wasn't looking, but i was peeking from the stairs. hee hee.

she's been on great from today, despite the cough and snot. we went to muzzie hill for brunch with caroline and ben and we both bought a hilarious book called "who's in the loo?" for our respective bubs. i also managed to pick up some i-saw-you-coming-bag-and-necklace-type-stuff that i don't really need, but i don't feel guilty at all. ha ha.

my world has shrunk

before jasmine i read, watched and listened to the news.

i've not been one to soak up opinion and editorial. and 24-hour reporting isn't what i call journalism. so mainly i took in enough headlines and facts from various sources, just enough to work out what was going on and to form my own view.

but after jasmine i just stopped.

and i haven't really started again.

and i don't really miss it because the big stories are big enough to find me - i don't have to go looking for them. and also because the news is always the same - the people and circumstances may change, but the issues generally don't.

and mainly because i simply can't bear the stories of violence, murder and abductions any more.

Jazzie please sleeeeeeeep

snot monster re-invasion, combined with general scrumbly teething behaviour and light sleep &/ nightmares induced by brave new world of crawling/walking means jambeans now crying her lungs out and has been for last 45 minutes and i want to go to bed as busy day tomorrow what with bank holiday meaning two day week and jambeans pleasesleeeeeepppzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Zoo time again

Back to London Zoo with Jessica, Nick and their bub Sophie. Cos we're members we got early bird entrance and got to see the vultures eviscerate some bunnies close up. It was fab.

No pictures, again, cos we forgot to charge the camera.

Definitely crawling now

Overnight Jasmine has gone from "but eet huuurrrrts myyyyy aaarrrrmmmms" to "andare andare ariba ariba" on the hands and knees front.

I left her alone for a few minutes in the middle of the living room yesterday and returned to find her by the bookcase systematically ripping the pages out of the A-Z.

With a very smug smile on her face :-)

uh-oh. addicted to facebook

I'm a busy, working mum with an attention-seeking diva (= toddler) for chrissake.

Who's also trying to keep her blog up-to-date and vaguely witty (both counts, failed) when she has any spare time.

Which is less than never because the spare time she doesn't have is currently wasted on replying to messages on her facebook profile.

it's stressful enough having one virtual persona right here but now i have to go and keep another one up-to-date.

aaarrrrggghhh.

Next level of knackerdom

It only seems like a couple of weeks since Jasmine took her first steps. Now there's no stopping her. She's desperately impatient to move and every spare second she has is dedicated to pulling herself up, toddle-trucking and cruising. She's also sort of getting the hang of crawling on her hands and knees (as opposed to on her belly army-stylee) but would much rather be on her feet.

It's all about pride mixed with fear at this stage. For every new achievement the physical exertion is written all over her face and body, and it's a real, tear-welling moment of pride when she succeeds.

But she also needs constant supervision. Turn away for a second and she's on the other side of the room, turning out contents of a bottom draw, complete with plastic bags and mothballs. And I realise now that nothing is sacred - every shelf, cupboard and draw that Jazzie can reach is no longer just "our stuff" but is now buried treasure for baby explorers.

It's all fantastic, but also really knackering. I'm pretty used to being physically knackered all the time but this is emotionally knackering too, which makes it worse. I'm so knackered I fell asleep on the sofa in a knackered stupor again last night and when I finally made it upstairs (ie the bf had to prod me awake and force me to get up) I was too knackered to brush my teeth (something I haven't done for about 5 years) and just climbed knackeredly into bed. Sigh.

Lost my writing mojo

Not much else you can say really.

About Uncle Mary and Auntie Leon

• Collectively known as the dudes, Mary and Leon are our best mates and live in the West Country with their new baby Kate (born only 3 days before Felix) and their two dogs Millie and Tiki
  
• They are the ones to blame for introducing silly words that stick, like boyfried, girlfried and welding and saying tee hee hee instead of laughing, and are totally fun and childlike all the time

• Uncle Mary, aka Mairy Fairy, aka Pooh, is one of my bestest bestest friends from school who I have known for about one hundred and forty years

• Through her I met her boyfried Auntie Leon, aka Leonberger, who is a very silly man but is no longer her boyfried, he is now her husband and he is also a pillar of the community, though its hard to believe, being a teacher and all that in his spare time
  
• And through him I met his bestest bestest mate from school, who is also a very silly man, but is hopelessly attractive, and he became my boyfried and he is still my boyfried and the father of our children and also a pillar of the community, though its hard to believe, being a doctor and all that
• when they got wed, boyfried was best man, and i was bridesmaid so it was all very Fred and Wilma and Barney and Betty but in a totally non-cheesy way
  
• Got that?

Auntie Mary:

• Loves mountains and high places and canoes and outdoorsy type pursuits
• Knows how to build a dry stone wall
  
• Listens to other people. Man how I wish I could be a genuinely interested in other people in the way Mairy Fairy is
• Knows herself inside and out, and has done since the age of seven
• Has a totally bonkers family including of 3 elder brothers which explains why she rarely lets any kind of shit get to her
• Owns lots of really really large and heavy pieces of furniture
  
• Is very very silly
  

Uncle Leon:

• Loves mountain climbing but hates heights (paradoxical, but true)
• Has a PhD in DIY. His present to us when Jam-beans was born was to decorate her nursery and turn our shit heap of a house into something halfway decent and try and undercharge us for it. What a cool guy
• Is brilliant at inventing games out of nothing and anything
• Is the kind of guy who always gives his seat up for other people, and thinks of others first
  
• Leaves nothing sacred. And I mean nothing in the "yup I really have just made a joke about your mother" kind of way. But gets away with it because he's always totally funny
  
• Cannot face a camera without gurning
• Chose the best nuns outfits for him and the boyfried when they went on a stag to the munich beer fest together (which they wore, together with a sign that said "will f*** for crack") but that i also got to try on and thought i looked super cool too
• Is very very silly