The Little Boy Man - He Smiles

Drilling

We're having our garden landscaped - all very exciting - apart from the constant noise of drilling. The only recompense is that the skip's been placed slap bang in the middle of the driveway (cleared it with the owners) which I'm secretly hoping has pissed my neighbour off no end.

Jambeans 2nd birthday

Jasmine is 2 years old today. Apparently she turns terrible from this point on. We did a quick reminisce about the drama of the day she was born, but the nice thing I realised is that I just don't think about it much any more.

She learned a new word today: "present" and she had ample opportunity to practise saying it because we utterly spoiled her with clothes'n'books'n'toys'n'plates'n'other-eating-stuff and a beautiful new tricycle. And we bought her the obligatory bowling ball gift in the form of a humungous chocolate cake that can quite comfortably feed, ooh, only about 12 grown ups. And we went to the zoo too where we chirpily said "come and see the bunny Jambeans" only it was a dead bunny that a vulture was busy eviscerating and we thought it was bloody funny (which makes it a Bloody Funny Bunny) but Auntie Judith who came too was a bit horrified at our particular brand of parenting humour.

Felix opted out of most of the celebrations today by being The Amazing Sleeping Baby but did manage to stay awake for a gorgeous sofa scrumble with Jambeans and Daddy which totally made Daddy's day.

Bez dancing

Bf pointed out the best thing - Dipsy Teletubby dances just like Bez - but only when he is the last Teletubby to come out of the hole. It's uncanny. And we've never seen them in the same room together...

First picnic of the year

Yesterday we met up with Ely and her bairns at Ashridge for a walk in lovely Spring sunshine. We sat on the steps of an old disused hut (otherwise known as murder hut) and had the first picnic of the year. Yaaaaay.

Nappy Bursters

A-haa.
Mystery solved.

Both bub major and bub minor have been incredibly sluggish today, which I found most perplexing, but this afternoon they both produced two Supersize portions of poo each. So I've been up to my armpits in it but they've now perked up considerably.

Taking shortcuts

I woke up today just zonkerooneyed, despite having a halfway decent amout of sleep. As a result I have been Can't Be Arsed Mum today. So by 10am Jambeans was safely installed in front of the TV watching Teletubbies. Then I pushed her to the duck pond and back and ticked off the "walk Jasmine" box even though I didn't really take her out of the buggy. Then I fed mouldy bread to Jambeans (as well as the ducks and the geese) followed by lunch at home that consisted of a whole snack pot full of biscuits, shed loads of raisins and 2 pots of yoghurt.

Best of all, because I'm so zonked, I feel NO guilt whatsoever.

It's official - I am a slummy mummy.

Ah-goo

So the bubba is now 8 weeks and 2 days old. I think I've seen two or three smiles: big, open-mouthed toothless grins, but each time they've preceded a vomit or a fart, cutting short the tears of joy that started to well up, so I'm not really sure...

But he's also beginning to coo which is tres cute and it sounds a little like this:

Waaaaah-wah-wah-WAH-snuffle-snuffle-grunt-sneeze-(starts wimpering softly)-mew-mew-(goes all calm)-ah-goo.

Deep calm

Had a very blissed out evening putting F and J to bed. J is getting into stories now, so we read The Gruffalo all snuggled up together and feeling happy.

It's so important for me to remember times like this, cos it's so much easier to focus on and write about all the crying and feeding and mania and fatigue etc. etc. that I forget to record how wonderful life with children really is.

What have I done today?

Well, I'm sure I've actually done quite a lot of 'being a mum to the f-beans' as the bf puts it, but whilst it's happening it actually feels like a big fat nothing.

Getting stuff done

Today, by mid afternoon here's all the stuff bf had got done:

1. Give Jambeans' breakfast

2. Take car in for servicing

3. Take Jambeans to park

4. Take Jambeans out again to Post Office to send off passport forms

5. Make lunch

6. Pick car up from servicing

Today by mid afternoon here's all the stuff I had got done:

1. Feed the F-beans. Constantly.

Fairy Godmothers visit

Both Ely and Caroline visited with their respective bubs last week, so they made me feel all sunny, and they came bearing gifts as well so I've been well looked after.

My second home day with Jambeans and F-beans was OK - very similar to last week, a good morning followed by an afternoon that really dragged on. Ely told me that 5 o'clock was when witching 'hour' began, when all the energy has been sapped but there's still playing and toddler mealtime and more bubfeeding and bathtime and bedtime to contend with still. My witching 'hour' actually began at about half past three and wasn't helped by F-beans feeding every two hours. When it takes 45mins to an hour to feed him, that makes for one tired babymomma.

Despite the fact that all the frustration and fatigue still came out in a flood at the end of the day (poor poor poor bf is all I can say) I think I coped with it slightly better than last time. Who knows, maybe in 6 months time, when F-beans will be weaned, I might actually have got the hang of it.

uh oh it's happening again

Champions League quarter finals are on and bloody bloody bloody bloody Arsenal are crashing out of EVERYTHING AGAIN.

Inconsistent Fuckers.

Crazy Weather

Woke up this Sunday morning in early April to 3 inches of snow would you believe, so Jambeans and Daddy made snowmen again, this time complete with carrot for a nose and blueberry eyes. Jambeans helped out by making snowballs and then refusing to wear gloves.


Come the afternoon, all is sunshine and blue skies with not a hint of the white stuff to be seen.

Running at 30%

I'm so tired today I could vomit. I keep getting dizzy spells when I get up from the floor after playing with Jambeans/ changing a nappy/ picking up a toy I've just trodden on. Rather than the usual 70% I feel I'm running on about 30% today.

But I'm going to bat on through regardless...

Guests for tea

This morning, after breakfast and before teeth-brushing, the Elephant and the chavvy Elephant Princess came to have tea with the Faeries.

A day in the life...

So after 6 or so weeks today was my first proper day of looking after the bub and Jambeans together on my own. To be honest, that's a pretty spoiled state compared to many other babymommas who have to cope with more kids, much sooner, but despite that all, I was anxious about it. So I decided to try and record what my day was actually like.

04.45 Feed baby

05.30 Back to bed. Baby is crying intermittently - not hungry cries so suspect he wants some cuddles and attention. Try very hard to ignore it and relax.

06.00 (?) Coma sleep

07.00 Try and rouse from sleep stupor but eyes will not open. Whilst still in a sleep stupor, "look after" Jasmine while bf showers. Just about manage to open eyes and read Wibbly Pig to her. Bf finishes shower, dresses and takes J downstairs to give her breakfast. Request strong hot cup of tea and promise in dead tired voice to be 'down soon.' Repeat to self "Get UP Trinity" over and over and over and over and over. Finally find enough strength to heft sorry ass out of bed.

07.30 UP. BF leaves. Make sure Jambeans finishes breakfast - note that she takes forever as her eating is interspered with various amounts of chatter and requests for stuff/ cuddles/ thrown items to be picked up etc. At last she pushes her bowl of cornflakes away. Wipe up after her.

08.00 Bub is making hungry noises. Unswaddle him and settle onto sofa to feed him. Put Tiger - Spy in the Jungle on TV for Jambeans. Pray it keeps her quiet for 20 minutes. J is appropriately transfixed (further proof that David Attenborough is God and that Sky+ is indispensible) and then starts playing with her toys with only minimal (and manageable) requests for assistance. Even manage to draw her a monkey whilst I am feeding Felix. Bub is also doing slow food - feeding him takes longer than normal, but am feeling fairly relaxed and in control.

09.30 Herd everyone upstairs. Change nappies x 2 bubs. Swaddle bub up. Brush J's teeth. Dress J whilst simultaneously reading Wibbly Pig to J again. Install her in bathroom with pack of Viz playing cards she randomly found in bf's draw. Shower in 5 mins flat. Dress in even less time. Herd everyone downstairs. Get bub swaddled and into cocoon. Administer shoes, cardigan and coat to toddler. Erect buggy. Stash snacks. Install J and bub in buggy. Bring bins back in. Set off for park.

10.00 - 11.30 Play in park. Jambeans is a bit wobbly on her feet today and falls over LOTS. Look whistfully at benches and wish I could sit down for a minute but J needs constant supervision, especially on the climbing frame. At the swings meet nice Croatian mum whose 14 month old fell headfirst off the roundabout. Offer him a biscuit to cheer him up then have my first (and only) conversation with an adult of the working day. Bub sleeps. On the way home 3 separate people say 'Good Morning' to me - realise that community spirit has not died forever, even in London.

So far so good but from this point it all goes a bit pear so from this point notes are hazy but I've had a go at trying to remember. Bub starts crying lots and I am unable to read him properly, experiencing a frustrating "is it hunger? or is it reflux?" dilemma. A bit like deciding whether to cut the blue wire or the red wire the wrong decision will lead to pain, fatigue and discomfort for all. It lasts all afternoon and I am frazzled by the end.

12.15 Make Jasmine lunch - mixed veggies with toast. I was so worried the night before about not being able to find the time to cook for her properly, that I planned it the night before, decided on the quickest meal possible and did all the prep then too. It pays off - cooking takes only 6 minutes and is done 1-handed whilst holding bub.

12.30 Feed Jambeans. Thankfully, she enjoys her lunch.

13.00 Put J down for a nap while the bub is downstairs, screaming. Resist the temptation to just throw J into her cot and oblige her to get on with it so I can go and stop the noise. Instead, I calmly go through the elaborate routine of saying night night to each and every one of the 30-odd pictures of animals and people that adorn her bedroom.

13.15 Go downstairs to stop the bub from crying. Feed him for a little while but suspect he's just doing it for comfort. He won't settle in his MB (moses basket) so I give him cuddles. He settles in my arms and I give in, knowing deep down I really need to put him down so I can relax properly.

13.30 I am clock counting by this stage. Am conscious that (a) I am now congratulating myself on passing the halfway mark without too much ado (b) though not actually having a bad day, I'm not actually having a good day either. Kid myself that I am feeling OK and do not need a nap myself.

14.15 The day catches up with me and I begin to feel sleepy. Put bub down and try and rest the eyeballs.

14.30 Jambeans wakes up. She has been asleep for 90 minutes, and that's the time it has taken me to settle bub number 2 and unwind myself. Now I realise again how exhausted I am, but have to go back on duty. I feel like poo.

Then the afternoon is a total blur. The bub, I suspect, is on his 6-week growth spurt and I feed him lots at short intervals. He doesn't settle properly at each feed, nursing for no more than 5 minutes at a go, and I am unable to tell whether he's not actually that hungry, whether he has got reflux, or whether there's not enough milk and it's stressful and lonely-making. In the interim I try to give Jasmine the attention she is demanding, particularly hard when she asks for "cuggles" when I am feeding the bub.

I keep harking back to Thursdays before Felix was born and before I got pregnant - I used to love my day off with J. When I got up the duff they turned into an ordeal because I was either sick or knackered or both all the time. I feel quite negative that they will continue to be an ordeal but I muddle on through and try and remind myself that the day is not going badly and it won't always be like this.

Just after 5 o'clock - I feel ike I have been on alert all afternoon. Nothing bad has happened, or has "gone wrong" but I am tired and wired and haven't felt relaxed or happy. Then J starts playing quietly on her own for half an hour and for the first time in hours I feel I can breathe. The day has been long though and I start counting the minutes till bf comes home and I can have a hand.

Around 17.30 At some point I go from feeling OK to feeling stressed and unhappy again. Can't remember why but doubtless something to do with one or both of the children needing my attention for something or other.

18.00 Bf calls. I am feeding the bub again and just don't feel like talking to anyone so I don't answer. I know bf is calling to say he's on his way home. For some reason I start crying.

19.00 Bf comes home. I know he's had a long day but the first thing he does is ask a number of times how my day was. I am too tired and stressed to answer. I also don't really know what to say to describe how I am feeling, and know that whatever I say will make me start crying, so I mumble 'fine' and keep schtumm. I just want to be by myself for a bit, but J and F need putting to bed.

19.45 Kids are in bed. Bf starts cooking. I hoover the dining room floor where J has thrown most of her dinner. Now I want to talk and swap stories but my timing with the bf is out of synch and my silence has doubtless upset him. He alternates cooking with spending time at the PC. I get resentful that I take third place and get snappy.

Bf has also had a bad day but I am too knackered to support him. I feel resentful that he, at least, has had the benfit of going to work today, which I feel is easier than looking after kids. I am desperate to tell someone about my day and how and why it was a struggle, but feel (rightly, or wrongly I have no idea) that bf is disinterested in the detail and sees it as mundane. I know I am being selfish, but am too tired to stop feeling selfish.

19.50 Bub starts screaming with hunger again. I haven't even been able to finish hoovering the floor, and just feel mighty pissed with everything and everyone. When I go upstairs seeing the bub's cute little face helps and I give him a big cuddle but when I feed him the tears come out again.

That's as much as I remember really. I'm sure I didn't stay pissed off, and bf and I stopped snappng at each other, and I probably mumbled an apology to him at some point, but it wasn't the best of days. I'm just going to write it off as a blip, I hope, and take it from there.